Fluffy inevitability
There it is… the most perfect sandwich in the world.
Thick crusty brown bread coated with a thin layer of green pesto.
Rashers grilled to the point where the rind is slightly opaque and mouth-meltingly crunchy.
A fried egg, sunny side up.
Chopped rocket lettuce for that extra zing…
… and one or two slices of fresh mozzerella.
All of this, warmed to utopian status in the George Foreman until the cheese has become one with the yumminess, and the kitchen is filled with a smell that would wake the heaviest of sleepers with its heady aroma.
Cut into triangles and sprinkled with dried basil, ready to go.
Then you see it.
You’ve taken your first bite and you see it, it’s like a cruel slap in the face. It’s all you can taste now.
That teeny tiny spot of green mould on the bread… hairy and gross. Something else has already started eating your sandwich and cutting just that little part off isn’t an option, because it’s probably somewhere else, hidden, laughing at you with its fluffy inevitability.
Straight into the dog’s bowl with what would have been an excellent lunch, the kettle goes on for a cup-a-soup because anything else is just too heartbreaking, dammit.
How to make pizza from scratch
The inspiration for this blog post comes from Hails at Coffee Helps, and her list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. This list is pretty inspirational, if you think about it. It’s an excellent way to boost self esteem, to tick off all those things you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to doing. Ticking things off is always therapeutic… that feeling of There! I did it! I’m not such a waster after all!… is pretty satisfying, especially if the task was particularly tough.
A sample of Hails’ list might look like this:
4. Record one thing a day that has made me happy, for thirty (not necessarily consecutive) days. (Underway at http://itjustmakesmehappy.wordpress.com (1/30))
16. Smile at absolutely everyone I meet for a week. (0/1)
28. Climb a tree. (0/1)
49. Read at least five classic novels from this list, including one by Dickens. (0/5)
61. Learn how to say hello in 50 different languages. (Underway at http://boutye.wordpress.com (8/50))
73. Milk a cow. (0/1)
But the one that caught my eye was No. 42:
Make pizza from scratch. (0/1)
If you’re a fan of pizza (and who isn’t?), the best thing you can do for yourself is learn how to make one from scratch. They’re better for you, and the addition of your own blood sweat and tears makes it taste nicer than anything you’ve ever tasted before. Okay, so it’s time consuming, but after a few attempts it becomes second nature.
HOW TO MAKE PIZZA FROM SCRATCH
Preheat your oven to a medium to hot temperature.
To make the dough:
-Sift 150g flour into a bowl, and add a pinch of salt and a sachet of dried yeast (I like this stuff).
(Tip: try adding flavouring to the flour at this stage.. pinch of dried herbs, or a tsp chilli powder!)
-Stir 2 tablespoons of olive oil into the flour with a wooden spoon, blending well.
-Melt 1 teaspoon honey into a cup of warm water (sugar works just as well – yeast needs something sweet to develop doughy bubbly goodness), and gradually mix into the flour to bind it together. If the mixture becomes too sticky, add teaspoons of flour until the dough becomes manageable again.
-Extract your ball of dough from the bowl, and turn it out onto a floured board. Knead the dough for at least three minutes… think of it as being like chewing-gum… the longer you maul it, the more elastic it becomes. The dough’s elastic quality is what makes it rise when it’s baked.
-Place your kneaded dough into a bowl and cover it with clingfilm, then let it rest for at least 20 minutes.
-(Start the tomato sauce now.)
-When you come back to the dough, you should find that it’s already expanded quite a lot, at which point (and this is the most satisfying part) you can punch the dough and feel the risen air escape. Roll it out on the floured board to your required shape, and place onto a baking tray. Curl the edges around if you like, stuffing the edges with cheese is time consuming but an interesting touch! Pierce the dough several times with a knife, and bake the dough on its own until it starts to turn brown, then remove it to cool. This gives you seriously delicious crustiness.
For the tomato sauce:
-Dice up a clove of garlic, and one medium onion. Lightly fry them together in a saucepan with a little olive oil, until the onion becomes translucent.
-Throw in the contents of a can of chopped tomatoes and reduce the heat to a simmer. Add salt and pepper, and herbs like basil or oregano (or both) and maybe a bit of chilli to give it a kick. Tomatoes are very bitter by nature… if you like, add 1 tsp sugar to counteract this – the calories are worth it.
-Simmer this sauce until the liquids boil down, at which point you can blend the sauce or leave it as it is. Happily, by the time your sauce is ready, the dough should be risen and ready for rolling.
For the topping:
This part is up to you, and whatever tickles your Nancy. Some suggestions are:
-Chopped mushrooms, lightly fried chicken pieces, diced peppers, olives, pepperoni slices, sweetcorn, cubed ham, sliced tomatoes, diced avocado… be inventive! I once fried cubes of lamb’s liver in a bit of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and added it to the topping and it was feckin’ lovely.
-Cheese: 100g grated cheddar does the job nicely, but the addition of fresh Mozzarella is gorgeous, as are slices of Brie.
Summary:
This is a whole lot of recipe and I know it looks quite daunting, but when you get into the stride of preparation it’s very easy. Knock the dough together and place it into a covered bowl and while it’s rising, make the tomato sauce. When the dough has risen, roll it out, score it and bake it to form a good crust, then remove to cool. Smother the base with tomato sauce, your toppings of choice, and a good layer of cheese, then bake the pizza until the cheese has melted and begun to brown. (Usually 15 minutes)
Enjoy!!!
Irish Stew with a sweet chilli kick
I don’t like to publish recipes because more often than not, they’re pretty unhealthy and I don’t want to be held responsible for blown arteries, but this is an exception. I made it for the aul’ pair on the day they returned home, and got a call later, turns out it was quite the hit! They asked me for the recipe but they’ll only lose it so I’m publishing it here instead.
Irish Stew with a sweet chilli kick OR more simply, Leprechaun Stew.
Stuff you’ll need:
1lb cubed beef (cut it into smaller bits preferably… chewage of sinewy meat is not sexy)
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tin chopped tomatoes
1 big-ass onion chopped into chunks
2 or 3 carrots, chopped
4 or 5 medium-ish spuds, peeled and chopped into bite sized bits
1 pint beef stock
1 knob of butter (enough to butter two slices of toast generously!)
2 cloves garlic, mashed
2 small chopped red chillies (with seeds) OR 1 tsp dried chilli seeds
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 splodge tomato ketchup
5 sun-dried tomatoes (sliced)
Salt & Pepper
Method:
This is to be prepared several hours in advance and left to simmer on a very low heat until ready for eating… this lets the chilli infuse so that there’s less sting and more taste. Overnight cooking is even better yet.
1. Heat your hob on a high setting, and heat the olive oil in a heavy-bottomed stewing pot. Add the meat (don’t let the oil and meat heat together, the beef will only absorb the fat) and let it cook for a few minutes. Add the onion, garlic and pepper and allow to sizzle for a few minutes while you’re chopping your veg.
2. Add the carrots, spuds and sun dried tomatoes, then empty the can of chopped tomatoes into the mix. Tomatoes by their nature are very bitter, so add the brown sugar and ketchup to balance it up a bit. Add chillies and stand away from the steam, lest you end up coughing your lungs out! Add the beef stock, Worcestershire sauce, salt and butter*.
3. Mix the lot up well and turn down the heat to a low setting. Place a lid over the pot with enough room for steam to escape, and allow the contents to stew gradually for at least 4 hours.
4. Serve piping hot with crusty buttered bread to mop up the debris!
Sorry there’s no photograph to accompany this, but it was scoffed too quickly.
* An aul’ splash of red wine probably wouldn’t hurt either if you have some lying around ;)
Assaulted
I blundered into the kitchen this morning in a foggy overslept haze and saw two unwelcome sights immediately.
The first was a note left by TAT who had come in from work at 7.30am.
“There’s something wrong with the SatNav. I’ll fix it later.”
NOOOO!!! I shudder at the thought of having to conduct my working day using the primitive dog-eared map… the potential embarrassment of having to whip it out in front of a customer in panic when they ask to be brought to some God forsaken suburb of inner-city Dublin makes me want to go back to bed for the day. Disaster.
Then I found the empty salt and pepper cannisters. They stood to attention on the kitchen table and there might as well have been another note saying ‘Toddler was ‘ere’ beside them. I broke out my CSI kit to look for evidence but found nothing… no trail of distruction, no prints or fibres. Damn, she’s getting good. I searched high up and low down for the contents of the cannisters… in the bin, the sink, her cereal bowl, the bath… everywhere with no joy.
Then I heard a tiny noise.
“pffft”
I turned to the direction of the sound and listened.
“pfft” It was the sound of a Guinea-Pig sneezing. Then I remembered Puppychild’s penchant for animal torture (first sign of a budding psychopath?) and dashed over to the hutch.
Yep. Each pig was covered in a fine dust of pepper and salt granules and was grooming furiously, their tiny eyes glued shut as a result of nature’s cruel decision to deprive them of the ability to cry the salt out. Poor wee feckers. I went to grab a toothbrush to groom the stuff out, and let a horribly evil thought cross my mind.
Guinea-Pigs are fat and don’t excersice much, but then again neither does anyone else in the family. This means they should be quite succulent. Peruvians eat them like Big Macs… have done for centuries, and think it hilarious that we keep them as pets.
Puppychild has pretty much taken care of the first stage of preparation… she salted them roughly an hour ago, so they should be nice and tender by now.
The oven’s pre-heating and I’ve got my razor-blade ready… my stomach is rumbling at the thought of breakfast. I’ll call it the ‘Full Irish Peruvian surprise’ I think.
Yum.
The Quiet American
I was kind of nervous at the prospect of meeting Jefferson Davis, I’ve heard his podcasts with BrianF and Dad and by the sounds of it, he is one intelligent guy. I tend to steer clear of intelligent people as a rule, they have a habit of showing me up. My half of the conversation seems to fill up with potholes of confused space, making life difficult for the other person who soon gets tired of prompting and goes in search of something more titillating.
This was not so with Jefferson though. We hooked up at Headrambles Manor and I watched as Grandad slowly emptied can after can of Guinness into his and Jefferson’s belly and banter flowed free. We skyped BrianF to make him jealous, spoke about things that are and things that should be, and watched Dustin honour Ireland in his own special way and it was good. Jefferson’s a quiet bloke with an accepting presence and the skill of throwing out honesty that makes you feel like an old friend. Seriously great company to be in, innit?
I brought him to Johnny Fox’s for five minutes because circumstances were unfavourable (this pub has seriously lost it’s people skills), then to Barracuda in Bray where we got some grub and got to watch the sky turn from purple to brown by the sea-shore.
Today I dragged him all over the place, or at least to as many aesthetically interesting places in Wicklow as I could within reason. We went to Lough Dan at the brink of the Sally Gap to gaze down into the valley for a bit, then strolled around Victoria’s Way to meditate and admire the statues (I was worried about bringing Puppychild to this as some of Victoria’s art is disturbing to say the least, but as it turned out, the butterfly season is here which kept her busy enough!). Jefferson and I admired the statues, books and craftwork in the shop which was empty of any other living soul. He watched as I helped myself to some jewellery and left money under the brass monkey on the counter, and appreciated how truly Zen-like this Victoria character is.
We got an Avoca take-away (Avoca Foccaccia is the yummiest Foccaccia there is) and drove home to eat and wait for Laughingboy to return home from school. I was dissapointed that the neighbours behaved themselves and denied Jefforson any scandal, but there you go.
I thought Powerscourt deserved a bit of a mooch, but we got there just as the gardens were closing which was a crying shame, so I brought him to Powerscourt waterfall instead. Jefferson farted about with his camera over towards the waterfall itself while I brought the kids to the playground.
I say ‘I brought the kids’, but ashamedly I got pretty excited when I saw it and almost forgot to bring the children with me… it’s one of those highly-sophisticated jobs with lever-controlled sand diggers and climbing towers and a most excellent roundabout with central controlling. I - sorry – we… had a ball and Jefferson had to drag the lot of us away kicking and screaming when it was time to go home. It was quite embarrasing in hindsight. To give an example of it’s excellence, I noticed that the entire bus of (adult) Croatian toursits were not over by the waterfall farting about with their cameras, instead they were clambering all over the rope-bridges and photographing each other making tits of themselves by the monkey-bars, giggling away like four-year-olds. It was quite amazing to watch.
Today was the best tourism epic since Gwen the French student of ‘03. Thanks Jeffo :)
Not so badly memed
First of all, I’d like to thank Sue Doe Nim from the heart of my bottom for recognising that it is tough work growing up a relatively normal person given the fact that my parents are both complete nutters.
I’d also like to thank her for this:
It gives me warm fuzzies to think my printed brain farts are making a difference to her day!
I’m going to pass it on to ten of you fellow brain-farters, just because your blogs cheer me up and get my cogs grinding. Youz all rock so you doez.
Baino, because I’m raging you live so far away and the Blog Awards gave me a hankering to share a drink with you.
Hailey, for being real in all senses of the word!
English Mum, because I love your blog and your Bert.
Jenny, because your posts are always interesting and I like the way you think.
Manuel, because I like the cut of your jib.
Hairyfish, you are the King of funny quickies!
Dad, because you could do with some iron, and you’re my bloggy idol as well as my reality idol!
Medbh, for keeping it real and because you’re so pretty.
Moo-Dog, because I can’t believe I haven’t discovered your genius earlier!
and
Brian, because you were there from day one :)
I’ve noticed, though, that the award itself is very pretty. While us ladies love this sort of thing, I’m worried that the blokes will think it a little too… umm… ‘quaint’. So for you gents who would prefer something slightly more butch, I give you this:
This next meme is from Brian who I would also like to thank because his meme is easy-peasy and da’cent craic.
Four jobs I’ve held:
-Pharmacy Technician (Unqualified! I lied my ass off to get that job)
-Dunnes Stores Checkout girl
-Pint puller in a hotel near Bray
-P.A. to the M.D. of a glazing company (This sounds impressive, but there were just two of us working for the company. Christmas parties were really quiet.)
Four movies I’ve watched over and over again:
-The Snapper
-The Power of One
-Stand by Me
-The Labyrinth
Four places I’ve been:
-Stonehenge
-Skinnydipping in the sea on a Donegal beach at night-time surrounded by thousands of tiny glowing swimming ameoba
-In a cave in France with a candle and my dad, surrounded by bats, cavepaintings, and huge white spiders
-Trabolgan (exotic, ooooo!)
Four places I’ve lived:
-Dun Laoghaire
-Kilpeddar
-Wicklow Town
-Terenure
(Not too well-travelled, me)
Four tv shows I watch:
-The Shield
-The Wire
-Weeds
-Sopranos
Four radio shows I listen to:
-Ray D’Arcy (Today FM)
-Jenny Huston’s The Waiting Room
-Rick O’Shea (2FM) and I’m not ‘just saying’ that because he’s a bloggerer!
-Matt Cooper’s The Last Word
Four things I look forward to:
-Moving house
-The smell of the first lawn-cut of the summer
-Having money to spare again
-Brushing out the dog’s winter coat
Four favourite foods:
-Prawn Curries
-Black Olives
-Spreadable Chocolate Sauce
-Chili Con Carne
Four places I’d rather be:
-Living in my new house
-Thailand
-In the pilot seat of an F14 fighter jet
-Camping in the Grand Canyon
Four people I email regularly:
-Me aul ‘fla
-My buddy Lou
-The Chairman of the local resource group I belong to
-Mathilde, an ex-French student of ours
The rules say that I have to pass this meme on to four people, then comment on their blogs to let them know. I am however, in Sue-Doe-Nim style, going to break the last part of this rule because I’m on a dial-up connection which has to be disconnected now for the good of my bank balance. Don’t worry though, I’ll be reminding you in due course…
I pass this meme forward to Me Mammy, Eire Rules, Jenny in her Living Room, and Curly K! Have fun, ladies!
Four diversions with a banana
The following is taken from the book ‘211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do’ by Tom Cutler. All information taken directly from the book is marked by quotations, otherwise the material is summarised by Yours Truly.
- This is the well known trick of slicing a banana without peeling it. If you stick a needle through a dark spot and rotate it sideways repeating on the opposite side, then do the same at various intervals, you’ll have an unpeeled sliced banana. Leaking is involved, so it’s best to have this trick prepared in advance. “You can leave it in the fruitbowl for an unsuspecting victim, or pretend to cut it with an invisible knife, before peeling it yourself. Children find this particularly mysterious.”
- Get two blindfolded partyfolk to feed each other bananas. “This can be highly amusing, as you might suppose, and there are many interesting variations possible – which I will leave to your imagination.”
- There is a trick you can do with either a peeled hard-boiled egg or a (partly peeled) banana, a wide-necked bottle, and a piece of burning paper. The idea is to block the neck with the foodstuff of your choice, trapping the flame inside. The fires need for oxygen should then suck the banana inside, thus peeling it for you. “But, in all my years of trying this interesting sounding stunt, I have never made it work. The amount of energy required for the job is apparently just too great. Nevertheless in the spirit of scientific enquiry, you could try it yourself.”
- Planning a boring day out with relatives in a stately home? Conceal a banana up your sleeve and keep a hold of the top part with thumb and forefinger. As you pass a small tree, turn your back to the relatives and grab a small branch, pinching the banana against it. “With great seriousness, draw people’s attention to it saying: ‘It’s amazing what grows here now. It must be global warming.’ Pretend to tear the banana off, then peel it and eat it. Gets a laugh every time.”
Mr. Cutler then follows with a wee snipped of banana trivia; “A 1982 law forbade joking about Zimbabwean president Canaan Banana’s name.”
As my own personal number 5, I would like to offer Baino’s further suggestion as it is a classic… “they’re handy for demonstrating the application of a condom!”
Rancid
Minced beef is a wonderful foodstuff. I couldn’t turn it down when my friend offered some to me. She’d over-stocked in the supermarket, and had left the sealed package in the fridge for a few days with a view to feeding it to her dog. I took it off her hands, and threw it into my own fridge, intending on turning it into something yummy some night.
The days passed, however, and the hectic weekend denied me any chance of cooking at all. When I did finally fish the meat out of the fridge, I saw to my dismay that it had turned a funny grey colour, bordering on green. I peeled back the sealed cellophane and had a sniff.
Women develop a highly effective survival technique when they become pregnant, and it stays with us. We can sniff a product, and instantly judge from our queasiness levels as to how nourishing it will be for our growing foetus. I can smell a rotten sausage from five miles away, as the actress said to the bishop.
This minced green beef, now six days past its sell by date, didn’t smell too toxic at all! Then I remembered a fact I’d learned. Apparently the curry was invented to use up stocks of rancid meat. Enough spices and pungent herbs can disguise even the dodgiest of foods.
I emptied the meat into a dish, then added curry powder, cardamom, cumin seed, chile powder, ginger, worcester sauce and of course, oodles of salt and pepper. I kneaded it all together, and made home-made burgers out of it.
The Accidental Terrorist picked up his burger and took a large bite.
“Jeeeezus!” he exclaimed. I went pale, and squirmed a little.
“Is it ok?” I asked breezily.
“It’s feckin’ delicious!!! Did you make these?”
“Yep!” I said. “Did you know that curry was invented to disguise the taste of rancid meat?”
“No” he said, and took another large bite.
I did my part. I gave adequate warning. I know you’d love to hear that we both spent the remainder of the evening fighting for toilet-bowl space, but we didn’t. Not even so much as a ‘hot ring of fire’ the next morning.
My granny would be proud of my frugality.
The tag challenge
I’m finding myself with spare time suddenly but with nothing much to say. Then I decided that it is very rare for a blogger to post a post and use all of their tags at once (Bloggers such as Brian F and Stupid Irish Daddy are disqualified for lack of imagination of course). This is my challenge, and I’m giving myself an award for it. You can have one too if you can do it.
What is both strange and unusual is that marijuana is illegal. This subject is taboo, but it’s just something to think about. Once one partakes in the activity of having a spliff, one is immediately part of the chain. One is working hand in hand with the drug-lord and his artillery, and my philosophy is that this is unfair burden on us stoners. It’s a little known fact that weed is quite benign, that it’s worst effects are the munchies and diminished brain capacity, but we accept this, and we take responsibility for it quietly and with a few giggles thrown in.
Working the daily job is not easy. Neither is dealing with the family and it’s shortcomings. My weakness is that I would like to sit back and be able to put up with the tripe on the box and find it humourarse. Sometimes it’s nice to listen to music or glance at the uncategorised pleasures of this life and be inspired to write new poems and things. Contrary to public rantings, weed does not generally make us want to take up smack or turn bi-polar.
That’s all I’m saying because this is supposed to be a quickie.
Here’s my award.
Do you want it? I’d offer it up for general grabs but seeing as memememe is one of my tags, I have to name names.
(You know you want it)
Fairy liquid
A friend of mine from school had a father in the advertising business. She told me that if a product label shows a photograph of something, then the ingredients of that product MUST contain that something in its pure form. For example, a bottle of orange squash with a photo of oranges on its label, means you’re getting a product with real oranges in it somewhere.
The cheapie washing powder I use has a photo of a baby on its label. If washing powder is made from lye, and lye is a bi-product of human fat… I’m adding two and two and starting to feel sick.
On a different note, if you’re finding yourself with some yukky brown overripe bananas and you’re unsure what to do with them (hold that dirty tongue of yours, ma), here is the most delicious, cheap, and easy to make banana bread I’ve ever tasted. I found myself trapsing in a zombie state into my kitchen at 3am this morning for a quick taster (just to make sure it hadn’t gone off).
