K8 the GR8

The following is taken from the book ‘211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do’ by Tom Cutler.  All information taken directly from the book is marked by quotations, otherwise the material is summarised by Yours Truly.

“The Shrieking Monkey”

This is the best known trick that can be done with blades of grass.  Align your thumbs parallel to each other, then place a thick blade of grass lengthways between them.  The knuckle and heel of your thumbs hold the grass tightly in place so that it is taut.  Form an ‘O’ with your mouth, then blow through your thumb knuckles hard to make the grass vibrate, thus producing “an ear-splitting shriek.  It’s not very musical but is excellent for attracting the attention of your chums across a millpond - and for annoying your sister.”

“Magic Climbing Grass”

If you look closely at a blade of grass, you’ll see thousands of tiny hairs which all point the same way.  Holding the grass at one end very lightly between index finger and thumb, stroke the hairy side of the grass rapidly with your thumb.  “The grass will climb mysteriously upwards. (If it goes down, you have it positioned the wrong way.)”

“Catchum”

Find a blade of grass “not longer than your finger”, and attach a wee glob of mud to one end.  Dangle the grass glob side down over a friend’s extended thumb and forefinger.  “Bet him he cannot catch the grass by closing his thumb and finger if you let it go without warning.  Nine times out of ten he will fail.”

“The Nose Cannon”

Roll a blade of grass into a ball and shove it into one of your nostrils.  Draw attention to yourself, then close the empty nostril and blow the grass out, hopefully with enough velocity to carry the balled-up grass a good distance.  “Make sure your sinuses are clear before trying this; people dislike being struck by particles of extraneous nose-matter.

The following is taken from the book ‘211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do’ by Tom Cutler.  All information taken directly from the book is marked by quotations, otherwise the material is summarised by Yours Truly.

                                                                                                                     

                                                                               ”Like the ability to burp at will, this is one of those things with almost no practical application.  But if you take the trouble to learn how to do it, you are always ready to wow people with a demonstration of your skill… Unlike burping, it’s more important here that you follow the instructions precisely and with care, otherwise you will hurt yourself.”

What you will need:

• An 8 or 10 inch nail
• A large piece of soft cloth
• A short wooden plank (Choose a softish type of wood such as pine)
• 2 chairs

How to do it:

1. Show the nail to your audience, holding it by its tip.  “Wrap your rag… so that it lies in the centre of the cloth, which is balled up and held in your right palm, the nail protruding between the curled middle and third fingers, at a point between the first and second knuckles.”
2. Ask an audience member to set up the plank between two chairs.
3. “Steady the plank with your left hand and raise your right hand slowly and dramatically, as high as you can reach.”
4. “Suddenly bring your hand down hard, absolutely perpendicular to the board.  You must strike it with the nail perfectly straight or it will not penetrate.”
5. “Remove your hand and unwind the wrapper to reveal the nail in the wood.”
6. You can then pass the plank around and ask people to remove the embedded nail… this should be a tough task.

I found a most excellent book today on the ‘please take me I’m free!’ bookshelf in the Murrough recycling centre.

It’s called ‘211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do’, by Tom Cutler.  It’s not as old as it looks, in fact it was only published in 2006, but there is still very much an old-school sort of style to it.

The book answers questions on ‘How to be a real man’, gives excellent science experiments, teaches you how to give speeches and behave at parties, explains tricks and cons, has pretty decent recipies… it even has an ‘everything you want to know about…’ section. 

I’ve been pouring over it for the last while and have found that there is way too much good material in there - it’s just too hard to pick my favourite questions.  So instead, I thought I’d post some of the questions here, then answer which ones take your interest in following posts!

1 - How to light a fart
2 - How to appear more intelligent than you are
3 - How to impress a girl on a budget
4 - How to cure a hangover
5 - How to drive a nail into a plank with your bare hand
6 - How to win money in a casino without cheating
7 - How to blag your way in philosophy
8 - How to do a five minute show with just a blade of grass
9 - How to make a boomerang actually come back
10 - How to fold an origami gift box
11 - How to make a glass harmonica
12 - How to stop a train with your bare hands
13 - How to cook for a girl
14 - How to tell when a girl fancies you
15 - How to judge a woman’s bra size at a glance
16 - How to walk through a postcard
17 - How to get by in Pidgin English
18 - A guide to DIY funerals
19 - How to make a pair of trousers from pub beer towels
20 - Four diversions with a banana

And… if you find the above of some interest, I might even make this book a prize for future caption competitions… YAY!

No, not underwear models… this is much more interesting.

There is a well kept secret here in Wicklow, it’s buried in the countryside, halfway between Roundwood and the Sally Gap.  It’s a very wierd peace-haven called Victoria’s Way.

If you want something different, whether it be a picnic with the family, a quiet stroll or just some good old fashioned food for thought, you’ll want to visit this place.

It isn’t very well marked, but you’ll recognise it by the painted sign on the road.  Its carpark is usually bare apart from a wooden shed with a coin slot on the side, for any donations you feel like throwing in.  From the carpark, the entrance is through the gates of hell, into a huge field full of these fellows:

Each has their own musical instrument, their music is only bound by your imagination.  From this field you have several options - there are extensive walks dotted with random sculptures to freak you out unexpectedly, or there’s an open maze, which is not so much a maze really as a set of random paths intertwining around small signposts.  Each signpost is obscurely worded and will confuse you utterly, but still manages to provoke alternate levels of thinking, which is pretty much the overall effect of this sculpture park… absolutely everything smacks of ‘WTF?!’

When you’re finished meandering, you’ll eventually find yourself back at Victor’s house, which is a tiny cottage attached to a mighty garage.  Inside this garage, are statues the likes of which you would never forget… like this starving chap:

Or this mildly upsetting but vastly intriguing couple:

Once you’ve signed the far wall, you then advance to the shop where you’ll find a wallful of totally unique hand-made jewellery.  This is surrounded by Buddha and Ganesh statues, incense burners, books and ornaments.  Everything is extremely well priced, unless you count a conversation with Victoria himself the extra cost, for it’s a conversation full of arguments like; is 1 + 1 = 1? Are you really a ’self’ or an expression of ’self’? 

Absolutely everything is confusing in an unexplainable way.  To give you an idea, here is the story behind Victoria from his book ‘Making your dream come true’;

Victoria was born Victor Langheld on April 29th 1940 in Berlin, Germany.  On Ash Wednesday, 1945, he emerged from the firestorm of Dresden a dead man walking and began a second life.  He came to Ireland in 1946.

At the age of 12 he decided that enlightenment would be a goal worth sacrificing his second life for.   So he took to heart the advice of so many spiritual masters to go east.  He arrived in India in 1964 and there studied and practiced relentlessly to make his dream of enlightenment come true.  He eventually became a Buddhist monk and, on December 1st, 1980, much to his surprise, he achieved the peak experience of awakening and release.  To his astonishment he realized that reaching the peak is easy, but that the return home is difficult.  Indeed, it would take another 18 years of toil and an encounter with a fully realized spiritual mistress before he began to glimpse the way home.

It was in honor of this extraordinary woman and in submission to her unsurpassed knowledge and power that he changed his name to Victoria.

Mr. Cool - The Nirvana Man

It’s been troubling me lately that one of my most popular posts is ‘Why do girls pee in pairs?‘.  The reason that it’s so popular is that people keep googling ‘How do girls pee?’ and finding me.  I have a feeling that this post isn’t what they were looking for, and I don’t want to let them down.

Who googles ‘How do girls pee?’ anyway?  Dodgy question, that.  You just never know these days.  It is, however, a frequently asked question apparently.  So, for the benefit of you curious young people out there who are genuinely wondering, I’ll explain it for you.

If you fall into the ‘just lookin’ for kicks’ category however, then I suggest you skip the biology lesson, and go to the end of this post.

So how do girls pee, then?

As you probably know, girls don’t have penises.  They sit down to pee because they don’t have this specialist aiming equipment, however there are several inventions out there that can help with this problem.  Very handy for long journeys and rock concerts.

The same process happens with males and females.  Food and water is put into the body, then processed by the stomach and liver.  All waste liquid then passes through the kidneys and ends up in the bladder.  When the bladder fills, a tube called a Urethra carries the pee to an external opening.  In men, the urethra runs through the penis and also carries ejaculate and pre-ejaculate during sex play. In women, the opening of the urethra is above the opening of the vagina. The opening of the urethra is very small and is not easy to see.  Here is a gratuitous drawing, which makes excellent use of the word ‘Sphincter’.

You’re probably wondering how girls handle the dripping problem, right?  The answer is toilet paper, and lots of it, after every function.  If you want to keep a female happy (apart from leaving the toilet seat down), always replace the toilet rolls when they run out.  We are lost without it.

You might also be wondering what girls do when there are no toilets around.  The answer is that they squat, usually getting a friend to provide cover. 

For the very very ultra modern girl, there is the SHENIS.  It is the ultimate equaliser.

There.  That was embarrassing.

So anyway… what were you saying?

I is happy dog with special guest spot on my best friend’s blog I is Wouldye and this is me

Gives us high-fives!

She says she has meme from squirrel on Jefferson Davis’ blog and she give it to me-  I has never seen squirrel before so I has wags to meet one!

I says its difficult to type on keyboard with big paws so I got given Bonio to type with and my best friend sits beside me to tell me how to spell because I has gots no education- she is well clever that way- she also tell me to use fullstops but they are too slow- I use dash- Dash is good fun especially when tennisball is involved

I will tell you now about six quirks that I have-

1- I has wicked sense of humour!  I reads poem once what my mistress wrote about me and I tells her it is doggerel- She not get this joke but youz will because you is cleverer than what she is

2- I is loves cats and I doesn’t understand why dogs has such bad name for chasing cats- I thinks this is racial-  They have ass what smell just as nice as ours and have good skills for climbing so I is jealous- they’s don’t have much sense of humour though

3- My favourite things is sticks and rocks and tennisballs and golfballs- throwing these things makes my best friend very happy so I is glad to oblige- i even fetch from sea which is dangerous but well worth it for the GOOD BOY I gets shouted to.

4- I has had my balls cut off when I was puppy which is ruff but I don’ts remember what they were for so I is sure is for the best- it still all taste the same down there anyways-  My master says balls are for puppies but my mistress has two puppies already so that is plenty to guard for me

5- I don’t like bridges I think sticks are there to be fetched and not to walk on because it is well scary- I don’t see why youz two-legs don’t just swim across rivers cos this is way more fun and saves baths I don’t like baths either

6- I is notice that people don’t understand my name like the nasty ladies in the vets place- I is called Wouldye because I has clever master- He say ‘Wouldye fuck off’ so off I fucks with no needs for namby pamby middle names- like dog next door is called Fluffy because it is fluffy but any fools can sees that- Is funny too when mistress shouts ‘Wouldye get the ball!’ and strangers run to get my ball because they thinks she is angry with them and I laughs because they is so thick because I know she is talking to me

Best friend tells me I has to links to other animals for to see what their quirks is so I is choose:

Sandy (She is very shy so youz has to be nice to her)
Kat (See I told youz i is not racial)
Derby (Youz clicks the ads on his masters blog and it buyz him more Bonios- see?)

My new bloggybuddy Camron at Plenipotentiary left a comment on my last post:

I need to have my chimney swept, and don’t want to fork over the $75. Is this something you could teach me? (Online learning is all the rage now…) You could do a “How To� post.

HOW TO CLEAN A CHIMNEY THE LAZY WAY

Difficulty: None, really.

What you need:

1 monkey
1 chimney cleaning brush and about 8 screw-on poles (depending on the height of your gaff), bought from DIY shop.
1 large sheet
1 empty coal sack or tarp/plastic sheeting
1 bucket
1 small shovel
Roll of Duck tape and scissors or knife
1 apron
Dust mask and goggles if you want to be extra cautious.
1 torch

Got everything?  Then we’ll begin.

- Send the monkey out to the kitchen to cook up an Irish fry, which should be ready by the time you’re finished.

- Clear the fireplace of ash and debris, remove the grate and fire guard.

- Clear the area around the fireplace, and lay the sheet so that it covers as much of the hearth and surrounding floor as possible.  Use duck tape to stick the edge of the sheet to the front of the fireplace.  This ensures that sheet won’t slip and that soot won’t get underneath.

- Cover the front of the fireplace with the empty coal sack, leaving a loose gap underneath.  Use duck-tape to keep the bag in place, but give yourself enough slack to be able to lift the sack to investigate the chimney flue.

- Use your torch to find the damper (if you have one), it’s usually just inside the chimney as you look up,  and open it to allow air to flow freely through the flue.

- Connect the brush head to a pole, and shove it up the chimney.  Jimmy it around to get the immediate soot out.

- The next bit is tricky.  You need to connect another length of pole (twist her tight, you don’t want it to come undone halfway up…), then manoever the brush through the narrow part at the top of the firebox.  You might need a torch to check for progress. 

- From here on in, all you’re doing is connecting each pole length by length as you push the brush further up the chimney.  When you run out of poles, or hit serious resistance, you can probably bet you’re near the top.  Depending on the type of chimney stack you have, you might not want to push the brush all the way to the outside, either way I don’t think it really matters as most of the creosote should be brushed away by now.  There’s nothing wrong with half-assed, anyway.

- Reverse the process, pulling the poles out and disconnecting them as you go.  Do this carefully as you’ll be pulling an avalanche of soot into the grate, especially when the brush arrives back.  Wrap the brush and poles and put them out of your way, then scoop the soot into a bucket.  Brush any remaining blackness onto your sheet, unstick it, and bring it outside for a good shake.

- Done!

- Go and eat your fry-up, pet your monkey, and go have a shower.

Those leaflet racks in hospital waiting areas are always good for a laugh.

I’ve been using this one ‘info’ postcard as a bookmark for a few weeks now because it always makes me smile.  It seems to be one of a set of information cards made by the Health Promotion Unit, to try to educate the public on the various types of drugs you can get out there.  This one is for Magic Mushrooms. 

The gas thing is, I’m afraid they’ve somewhat missed the mark, because this product looks damn attractive to me…

 

Look at the design - calm blue green aqua shades, a trippy jellyfish, the print looks mystical and inviting!

This is the science side of the card, in other words, this is all the information you need to score, and how great your buzz will be once you do;

- They give you a slang term ‘Mushies‘, so you won’t look like a knob in front of your dealer.

- If you don’t know a dealer, they tell you that they are ‘Hallucinogenic mushrooms that grow in the wild’, and they give you a picture so you can be absolutely sure what they look like when you go trapseing around in your wellies looking for them.  No room for error there, so.

- ‘Users dry them and either eat them or make them into tea’.  Kind instructions for naive experimenters everywhere!  Sound!

- THE HIGHS: ‘In small amounts, users feel relaxed and happy.’  (that sounds lovely…) ‘In larger amounts, they experience hallucinations.’ (Pretty much like on the front cover, here… doesn’t that look tempting, children?)

- THE LOWS: ‘Hallucinations can sometimes be unpleasent and frightening.’  (still beats boredom, though…) ‘Another problem is eating poisonous mushrooms by mistake which may result in serious illness or possible death.’ (it’s ok though, because there’s a photograph here so we can double-check!  Sound again!)

That’s all there is.  Not very scary, is it?  They should give a small case study to back up the horrors… like mine;

~:~

I had some Mushie soup once at a houseparty.  While I was waiting for the giggles and hallucinations to arrive, I noticed that maggots had somehow gotten into my stomach and were chewing away at its contents.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop picturing these maggots all squirming around in there.  I could even feel them.

I ran outside to a bunch of daffodils who all started screaming at me so I hurled on a patch of heather instead so as not to piss them off even further.  A major fight began between the diced-carrots and the flowers which I watched with interest until the ground began to eat me and I had to move. 

I went back into the house to find that the ‘Easy Rider’ soundtrack was still stuck on loop, but I couldn’t get close enough to the stereo to turn it off because all the trippy notes kept getting in the way and entangling themselves in my hair.  This madness lasted a long time, with not a poxy giggle to show for it.  Magic Mushrooms suck, if you ask me.

~:~

I wonder if the heroin information card has diagrams of the cardio-vascular system on it so you know what vein to aim for?

I’m still waiting for those yella feckers to get back to me so that I can follow through with Brian’s meme!

In the meantime, Grannymar’s throwing them around like there’s no tomorrow!  Hers, however, is one of those lovely memes that involves no imagination, just a few keywords in the search-bar.  Yes!  It’s dredge up your old posts time!

Ze rulez:

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given here (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like).
Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

*sweet*

FAMILY; This is a post I wrote about me aul’ pair going on holidays leaving me in charge of their gaff, and all the fun I almost had.

FRIEND; A tasteless joke my buddy Lou told me, and an amusing study on the effects drugs have on web-building, which has nothing to do with the subject matter but I’m terrible for writing about friends because I don’t have any.

MYSELF; A very long and deep confession about a strange personality flaw I have.

MY LOVE; This is a post that proves my inadequacy at expressing feelings, I just can’t do soppy.  I prefer metaphors.

ANYTHING I LIKE; Some inspiration I found in my little book of complete bollocks.

This license to regurgitate is hereby passed to Going Like Sixty, ShiteDrivers.com, Well done Fillet (an excellent site recommended by Humblehousewife!), errr humblehousewife, and my dear dad, Read Hambles!

For those of you who are sick of hearing about Christmas, or who really just aren’t into that sort of thing anyway…

December 25th is the feast of ‘Sol Invictus’, the re-birth of the sun.  Being a huge fan of the sun (I don’t get to see it often), I will spare a thought for it on Christmas Day.  For I suppose, if it wasn’t for Sol Invictus, our modern day ‘Christmas’ wouldn’t exist!  Or, it would have been somewhere near Thanksgiving which would have annoyed the U.S., or somewhere in January, which clashes with the January Sales, and that wouldn’t make financial sense at all.

In 46 BC, when the Roman “Julian Calendar” was adopted, December 24th was the shortest day of the year. Therefore, December 25th was the first annual day that daylight began to increase. Thus, the origin of rebirth, or annual birthday of the invincible sun. (source)

I have to go cleaning windows for a few days so I don’t know when I’ll next be able to get back to this ‘puter!  Also there are presents to wrap and bags to pack and bits to buy and cakes to ice and plans to be formed and it’s all too much JUST FOR ONE PERSON!!!!

*sigh*

From the bottom of my heart… Happy whatever you’re into.  May you not spill a drop this holiday.

I hope the New Year brings you silky smooth skin with hardly any acne and absolutely no hives at all.  Metaphorically speaking.