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Jul 11

Crocs my arse.

‘Would you not put some aul’ shoes on the poor child’s feet?’

  they say to me, eyeing me up and exchanging worried glances with onlookers as Sir Fartsalot wombles barefoot, only two weeks qualified as a provisional walker. It’s adorable.

He jaunts around on hot tarmac and stony patio and squishy grassy patches, on sharp pebbles and fluffy carpet, the more textured the better. Touch is so important for learning and what better way than through your feet? I’ve no idea why they make shoes for babies. Welly boots are pretty much all they need. Shoes are often too tempting for babies to remove anyway… have a look at the floor of your local toy shop or supermarket, littered with socks and sandles they are, in a little oddsock parade of wasted money.

And ANYWAY, runners are a hazard to your health!

I’ve always thought it funny that sports brands advertise shoe support so well and get away with it. They put cushioning in every available crevice of the sole of your foot and tell you that you’ve just parted fairly serious money for something that’s great for your feet when it’s entirely the opposite case! They have us all suckered!!!

Think about it, if you support something, you make it weaker don’t you? If you try to correct something that’s already perfect, say by walking around on just your left leg and a pair of crutches for a year… chances are you right leg won’t thank you for it. It’s why marathon runners usually end up with dodgy knees, apparently.

Imagine running barefoot through a forest on a warm summers day after a rainshower to absorb it of all its squelchy nourishment, and tell me it doesn’t sound tempting. And how good for your body would it be if you actually went and did it every now and then?

I read Born to Run by Christopher McDougall and loved every word of it, it all made so much sense.

Doesn’t it?

Which reminds me…

Here’s a video showing you how to put your cat in standby mode:

Maybe this trick will distract the neighbours from the baby’s feet for a feckin’ change.

Jun 24

Buried Treasure

I was clearing out my bookmarks this evening and looked what spilled out!!

-The Labyrinth of Genre

-Floaty-mouse images of Dublin City in June 1961 and June 2011, a then-and-now sort of collection. Look at all the dinky cars! (Stolen from Jo :)

This is what real love looks like.

-US Actress Tina Fey’s ‘A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child’; it’s as though she’s inside my head.

-10 Words You Need To Stop Misspelling Read these, and write them out twenty times, you naughty children!

-How to make a gift box out of a bank note. For when you couldn’t be arsed buying that voucher.

-Arty Bollocks Generator because everybody needs an artist statement!

Oh, and a creepy picture by Lori Nix. Click the image to magnifify it.

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Jun 14

A nation of pigs

Posted on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 in Family, Little known facts, On the box

Something is happening to the children of Ireland. Since I’ve twigged its cause, I’m seeing it more and more every day… or rather hearing it.

Just as the older kids are all awesoming in their slightly yankee twangs, the smaller ones are picking up weird but very sweet English accents which fall out in questions and inflections and introductions like these:

-Hellaw, mai name is Peppa Pig, and this is my little brutha Geoooooooje.

-I thought your name was Sarah?

-Neeeeuo. It’s Peppa Pig, and he is my little brutha Geooooooooooje!

It’s the fathers of Ireland that I feel sorry for. Peppa’s father Daddy Pig (obviously), is portrayed as an awful gobshite. His entire family constantly poke fun at his obesity and make him run and climb things because they know he’ll make a tit of himself and they can all point and laugh. He’s hopeless at flat-pack assembly and general DIY and while this may be true for a lot of Irish men, they don’t need reminding of it so harshly.

AND I worry about the erosion potential of Irish soil… our government will have to pay out millions to fix the pot-hole damage caused by the increase in incidents of children (and adults) jumping in muddy puddles. It’s all very irresponsible.

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Bansky’s image

Ban Peppa Pig!

… ah no I’m on’y messing. I do love her so.

Nov 23

Playing God

Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2010 in Family, Little known facts, Philosophy, Rantings, Something to think about

Try to imagine for a few minutes that you’re a Deity, a remote entity looking after a country roughly the size of France, and in this country there are several billion people all milling around doing their workaday jobs and living happily.

Life is good for this country for several years, you’re doing a good job it would seem. Then one day a small group of terrorists moves in to the country and starts creating havoc… what would you do to take care of your country?

Would you:

a) Detonate an atomic bomb thus killing said terrorists instantly, and sacrifice several billion happy people so that your country is doomed to restart its population from scratch?

b) Recognise that the country’s own law inforcement is making good progress with the identification and capture of these terrorists, and maybe help them along a bit with re-inforcements via your super powers?

c) Run away?

-o0o-

Sir Fartsalot developed a fairly high fever last week, bugs are rampant this time of year and I had run away to Galway for a girlish weekend thus depriving him of my antibacterial b@@b juice… a bad dose of the snots had taken hold of him. Immediately I was faced with the question above, and from all angles I was ordered to choose answer (a) and it was inferred that I would be a bad mother not to.

“Bring down that fever!! Bring him to the doctor and get him antibiotics!!! Quick!!!”

What nobody seems to realise, is that a fever in a person (above the age of… say six months let’s say) is a very GOOD thing. It means that the body realises there’s something wrong, and it’s reacted by kicking all self defence mechanisms into gear. Roast dem germs out. Swollen glands rock!

Why everybody has this urge to dose a fever with paracetamol in order to surpress it is beyond me. Why I’m ordered to nuke the kid’s immune system with antibiotics is just plain lunacy!! Yet, it’s an argument I have again, and again, and again, and usually my theory works but nobody seems to notice. Echinacea, a good diet and gallons of water works most of the time… the chidler’s antibody population blooms.

Weird.

This phobia we have, this distrust in our own immune systems is a beautiful cash-cow for pharmaceutical companies, but people are blind to it. They have us terrified of influenza under any name, they have us overdosing on vaccinations, and they terrify us with threats of the potential with that ever-steady mantra they sing: ‘better safe than sorryyyy!’

It’s all bollocks, I say. Not nearly enough stock is placed in a mother’s instinct like it used to, but then again there’s no money in that so things shall remain exactly as they are and I shall argue and be deemed a bad mother and I don’t care one little bit.

Oct 10

I miss Worzel Gummidge :(

Posted on Sunday, October 10, 2010 in Family, Little known facts, Rantings, Strange and Unusual

I have been told today by two seperate people out of the blue that I need a Christening cake. I had no idea that there was such a thing. I have decided that I won’t bother, but will obsess about this constantly for the next week until the last second when I will change my mind and most likely pay over the odds for something that tastes a bit weird. I know that now, but will do nothing about it because that’s just the way it is. Acupuncture would probably fix this kink in my general thought pattern, but I can’t afford it! I need a new head. That’s what it is.

photoshop manipulation,clever

(image thieved from here)

Aug 23

The Health Fuckup Executive

Posted on Monday, August 23, 2010 in Family, Little known facts, Rantings

I’m very envious of those parents who can just bring their kids for vaccination jabs and be done with it, without worrying about what this stuff is actually doing to their immune systems.  My protests seem so absurd, why the hell not give the kid something to ward off deadly diseases if it’s freely available?!  How irresponsible am I to even CONSIDER not vaccinating them?  The dirty great big needles loom over my babies and I do it anyway.  Bar useless influenza jabs, the rest are just not worth gambling on, surely. 

Puppychild got her two jabs against a multitude of diseases last month.  I got a nasty dose of the flu straight away, then passed it to the Accidental Terrorist who then caught pneumonia.  He’s been floored for almost three weeks, hemorrhaging money as he goes.  Coincidence?  Dunno.  Dunno.

Sir Fartsalot got a BCG (tuberculosis jab) on July 5th.  The teeny pinprick hole in his skin did not disappear, it slowly grew and grew, and turned into an abscess.  A large purple eye-shaped growth with a pus-green pupil gazes at me and wills me to prick it out of its misery and all the while my boy-o cries.  He cries when I feed him, when I pick him up, when I strap him into his car-seat, lots of tears and red-faced misery usually follow.  So much suffering, so much blood-stained gunge erupting from my babóg’s arm.

It’s so un-fucking-fair that the HSE cannot sort its shit out.

I read that in 2002, a previously dodgy EVANS BCG was withdrawn from public consumption, to be replaced by the SSI BCG.

An article written in 2005 states that there have been 152 reports of local complications like Sir Fartsalot’s since the new vaccine was rolled out.  I can only presume that the figure has doubled by now.  I brought the kid to the doctor, to a local A&E (where I was told to bugger off because they’re not insured to treat babies), and to a paediatric A&E.  They told me not to worry, that it was a normal reaction, that they get this sort of thing all the time.

ALL THE TIME???

I read that occasionally, such swellings result in lymph node infections which is a very serious thing indeed.

‘Not to worry!’ they say.  O, but I do worry.  I worry a lot.

Meanwhile Sir Farsalot hasn’t yet had his 6-in-1s, a process that was supposed to begin two months ago.  The vaccination program for children looks like this:

  • At birth: BCG tuberculosis vaccine (given in maternity hospitals or a HSE clinic)
  • At 2 months: Diphtheria, Tetanus, Whooping cough, Hib, Polio, Hep B, PCV (Pnuemococcal Conjugate Vaccine)
  • At 4 months: Diphtheria, Tetanus, Whooping cough, Hib, Polio, Hep B, Meningococcal C.
  • At 6 months: Diphtheria, Tetanus, Whooping cough, Hib, Polio, Hep B, Meningococcal C, PCV (Pnuemococcal Conjugate Vaccine).
  • At 12 months: Measles, Mumps, Rubella, PCV (Pnuemococcal Conjugate Vaccine).
  • At 13 months: Meningococcal C, Haemophilus Influenzae B
  • At 4-5 years: Diphtheria, Tetanus, Whooping cough, Hib, Polio, Hep B, Meningococcal C; Measles, Mumps and Rubella (by second injection)
  • At 11-14 years: Diphtheria, Tetanus
  • At 12 years: Human Papillomavirus (Girlz only)

That looks like a rocky road to me.  A road full of miasms that will give our great-grandchildren strange side-effects, I fear.  I don’t know what to do. 

Why on earth do people still trust the HSE after all its fuckups?  I sure as hell don’t, especially not with something as important as my kids, but yet those around me tell me I’m crazy.

Better crazy than dead though, hey?

Jul 26

Please don’t chew your gum near my baby

Posted on Monday, July 26, 2010 in Little known facts, munchies, Rantings, Something to think about

It’s your lunch break. You scarf down an onion bagel, a packet of crisps and a can of diet fizz, all washed down with a cigarette maybe. On your way back to the office, you pop one or two chewing-gums to dull the pungency of it all and congratulate yourself that you’re doing your teeth a favour even if your smokey lungs are shot.  Two out of three ain’t bad, sure.

-o0o-

It’s not your lungs you need to worry about though, it’s the other thing… the thing that was in most of what you just ate. Crisps, diet (‘zero’) drinks, chewing gum, diet yoghurts, artificial sweeteners, breakfast cereals, aspartame, aspartame, aspartame. It’s in sugar-free children’s medications, in a bid to prevent tooth-rot. It’s in 1200 of the products you consume, and it’s very slowly mucking up our genetics and making us say things like… ‘isn’t it funny how people are dropping like flies with cancer these days?’.

Diet Kak

Unstranger’s recent post reminded me of E951, the toxin that in 1980, was voted against by the FDA Public Board Of Inquiry on the grounds that the data was flawed, there were brain tumor findings in animal studies, and there was a lack of studies on humans to determine long-term effects.

Aspartame was since approved spuriously via pressure from Donald Rumsfeld, apparently. Urm… ok.

“The official story is that aspartame was discovered in 1966 by a scientist developing an ulcer drug (not a “food additive”). Supposedly he discovered, upon carelessly licking his fingers that they tasted sweet. Thus was the chemicals industry blessed with a successor to saccharine, the coal-tar derivative that foundered eight years later under the pressure of cancer concerns.”  (according to this)

Aspartame basically metabolizes into Formaldehyde from amino acids and methanol, which eats you (so to speak) slowly, causing severe health problems at exceptionally low levels of exposure. It disguises itself as illnesses such as Lyme Disease, Alzheimer’s Disease, Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, and Attention Deficit Disorder, to name just a few.

Some of the symptoms of aspartame poisoning include:

Headaches, Dizziness, Muscle spasms, Rashes, Depression, Fatigue, Seizures, Tachycardia, Insomnia, Hearing Loss, Anxiety attacks, Loss of taste, Joint Pain, Vertigo, Tinnitus, Irritability and Breathing difficulties.

Because it metabolizes into a poison, it is believed that it can also trigger or worsen things like brain tumours, Alzheimer’s Disease, Diabetes, birth defects, epilepsy, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Parkinson’s Disease.

Side effects can occur gradually, can be immediate, or can be acute reactions, but!  It’s a billion dollar market, so SHHH!!! don’t tell anybody!!

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Here I sit with a tobacco pouch with the words ‘Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility’ emblazoned in BIG lettering on its side. I have no sperm. I have plenty of children.

I’m worried about the warning that’s absent from my bottle of 7UP Free that should state ‘This product contains a chemical which eats holes in your brain. Do not consume if pregnant.’

But there will never be, because there’s no money in that lark.

Because we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow, I guess.

Jul 21

How to undermine the Queen

Posted on Wednesday, July 21, 2010 in Little known facts, Quickie, Strange and Unusual

Here’s a really oddball present for someone, should you be stuck with a credit card but no car.

Did you know that you could become:

Lord/Lady, Baron/Baroness, Duke/Duchess, Count/Countess, Viscount/Viscountess, Marquis/Marchioness, Earl/Countess, Sir/Dame -insert your own moniker here-, for the low, low price of $294????

www.regaltitles.com

“Imagine… A Life Of Priviledge

-Credit cards emblazoned with “Lord (or Lady) Smith”

-All identification confirming the new royal title.

-Doors opening professionally and socially.

-is no faster way to climb the social ladder.

-A unique and thoughtful gift which can pay for itself.

-A fantastic icebreaker which gains instant respect and credibility

-Unlocking doors which were previously unknown

-A completely risk-free gift”

Risk-free?!?!?  If you say so!!  The ebony certificate jacket would be worth that alone!

Kisskiss sweetie-dahling

xx

Countess K8 the Gr8

Apr 22

East meets Breast – Boobquake Day

Posted on Thursday, April 22, 2010 in Humourarse, Little known facts, Rantings, Strange and Unusual

I can understand how women baring too much skin could cause earthquakes, after all, if we can cause cow’s milk to sour and a pestilence on the spuds, it naturally stands to reason. That’s why I wasn’t surprised at all when I read the following quote;

“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes …” Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, senior Iranian cleric

I am therefore outraged that Blag Hag, an irresponsible and reckless blogger in Indiana has decided to put millions of people’s lives at risk by staging a national ‘low-cut top’ day on Monday 26th April that she calls ‘Boobquake Day’.

“On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own. Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that’s your preferred form of immodesty. With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake. If not, I’m sure Sedighi can come up with a rational explanation for why the ground didn’t rumble. And if we really get through to him, maybe it’ll be one involving plate tectonics.”

Disgraceful, endangering people like that.

She’s on the facebook and the twitter, and is brazenly flaunting her boobs in everyone’s face which is all well and good when you’re all sprightly and perky, but what if you look like this lady:

I am afraid.  Allāh will not like it. Not even one little bit.

Apr 13

Ten things they don’t warn you about before you get pregnant… #6

Posted on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in Little known facts

 

( #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 )

The one thing that’s very obvious about pregnancy is the gruesome.  Films focus on the gunge and the pain, TV documentaries love to stress how horribly things can go wrong… they show husbands fainting, vomit inducing stretchmarking, hormonal shriekage way beyond banshee capability.  Gore sells.  Even friends and well-wishers love to tell horror stories about labour and pregnancy without much consideration for the woman they’re talking to, the person who is by now a mass of nerves for no reason at all.  It’s very hard to take all of this with a pinch of salt.

This is a post about some of the good things, the great things, the things you crave for again once baby’s been born and epidurals are but a fading memory. 

dentist,drill,horror1: The Dentist.  There is no better excuse not to go.  Amalgam fillings aren’t generally a good idea during pregnancy unless there is dire need for them, so it’s best to wait until you’ve got your body back before visiting the surgery.  So, the guilt at not making that horrible appointment is completely and beautifully absent for a whole nine months.  The fact that the baby is in the meantime robbing all of your calcium stores should probably not be dwelled upon.  Losing teeth isn’t so bad, one less to clean, eh?

2: Weight Gain.  Eating for two.  While health experts say that this theory isn’t necessarily true, it’s lovely to be able to eat six Weetabix followed by two apples, then two super-noodle sandwiches smothered in chocolate sauce, all washed down with three cartons of orange juice and NOT feel disturbed and gluttinous afterwards.  A little voice obviously told you to do it, and I don’t mean the one your psychiatrist’s concerned about.  Getting fat is fun, don’t try and tell me otherwise.

wig,funny3: Hair.  I’ve lost count of how many people have commented that my hair’s gotten all bright and shiny.  It’s lovely.  The reason is purely because pregnant women stop moulting so their hair becomes thicker, and the glands are slightly oiler than usual.  It does what it’s told… its fringe stays on its best behaviour… bad hair days become a rarity.  Of course it’ll start falling out in clumps once the baby’s born, but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. 

4: Hiccups.  There is no bad mood, no amount of spilled milk, no gaping mire of disapointment that can’t be lightened instantly by a dose of foetal hiccups.  The kicking is of course a thing of beauty, a welcome sign of life, but hiccups are  something else entirely.  After a bit of research I found that they’re not caused by a deficiency or abundance of anything in the mother’s diet, they’re just caused by a tiny diaphragm practicing wee breathing excercises, it’s owner probably wondering what the hell is going on.  Think of the cuteness of puppy hiccups, but muffled deep down inside your body.  Absolutely bloody amazing.

5: Drive.  Thank God for gay men, I say.  If it weren’t for gay men, there’d be no porn for women at all.  No, we don’t want to see scantily clad men holding a mop or an iron suggestively, we want to see men perform gravity defying acts with their bits, thanks very much.  Happily there are open minded blogs out there who have provided many hours of entertainment for hormone-laden horny pregnant women (think Phoebe and her Evander Holyfield phase) like myself… some links of fascination might be – Sex Is Not the Enemy, Youporn (obviously), Altporn.net, Boob.ie (Yay for those wimmin who embrace their inner lesbian!) and CarnalNation, for when you just need good old fashioned educating.  Yes, I will indeed miss this part of pregnancy.

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6: Lazy.  Yeah, I’m lazy.  Now I have an excuse.  Get over it and make me some tea.

Did I leave anything out?  I’m absolutely positively sure I did… another thing about pregnancy is that melted brain.  It’s lovely having a temporarily shrunken mind, blokes have it so handy (;-p).  Help a girl out will you and remind me?