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Mar 29

Hairy me

Posted on Saturday, March 29, 2008 in Little known facts, Philosophy, Rantings, Strange and Unusual, Taboo

I seriously love it when blokes go all taboo.  Nickhereandnow in his infinite excellent wisdom, wrote his view on hairiness (and prevention of) today.  I leaped with joy to read his post, as it’s a great excuse to have a go, especially seeing as I may just be the hairiest girl in the world.

You might have seen this face before:

smugmug.JPG

This smug mug belongs to my father, who bestowed his wisdom, height, and Wookie genes upon me.  Now you perhaps will appreciate my point.

Freud would have it that I would prefer the bearded bloke when seeking a mate, but this for some reason went out the window when I chose a man with exactly two hairs on his chest.  Freud also said that a woman is either constantly running towards her father, or away from him.  If you saw my dad standing on top of his pile of tourist carcasses, you’d probably choose the latter, too.  With the exception of Gimme perhaps, bearded men are generally too ‘nice’ for me, being that I like just a pinch of bad-boy in my men.

Anyway, being that I am with a minimally hairy bloke, a lot of discussion has led me to understand that excess hair on my own self is not appreciated.  I have been asked to visit the beautician’s quarters for a ‘bald eagle’ of late  (TAT’s knowledge of the hairstyles in that region astounded me).  I refused point blank, as I have already experience pube waxing and found it not to my taste, especially when you’re being done by a vindictive cow who insists on ripping away at the same raw and bleeding patch 17 times.

Then, in my infinite female wisdom, I challenged TAT.  I told him I’d go the va-general whole hog on the day he went through with a back, crack, and sack wax.  We agreed to leave it at that, for that was good enough for this particular gander (‘Bollox to that!’ he said.  ‘Exactly!’  I said).

The thing is though, you might be here expecting me to fully support this sort of image:

hairywoman.jpg

Not a chance, matey.  The gals at school were the first to point out what a freak I was.  Then when my best friend’s little brother began to call me ‘Dr. Zaius’, I knew it was time, and deforestation began against my mother’s wishes.

-x-

My de-fuzzing attempts are as follows:

-I tried Immac first (now Veet) which is a type of acid which, when applied to the skin, produces a very weird smell to let you know your skin is being poisoned.  Then after a while, one washes said acid off, along with scorched dead hairs.  Not so with us very hairy chicks!  We just end up with alien legs that still need to be shaved despite chemically raw conditions.  Binned.

-I tried those electric shavers twice.  The first time it was useless.  The second time came years later when I had forgotten how useless they were but they are still useless.  Binned.

-I tried waxing once when I decided for some unknown reason that the midwife in the hospital in which I was due to explode shortly at the time, might be offended by my… umm… genetic condition.  Bikini waxes hurt.  They really sodding hurt.  And, to make matters prettier, there were many craters, and much ingrown nastiness to follow.  I tried home kits a few times on my arms, but with crap results.  The pain was overtaken by the frustration of being totally unable to uproot the final 15% of the really stubborn hairs.  It was almost the death of me, so it was binned.

-I even tried one of those electrolysis machines, bought on Ebay for fifty quid.  The principle is that you hold this pen (which is wired to the mains) in your left hand.  Instead of a nib, the pen has a micro-thin wire which you insert into the root of your offending hair.  You then touch the silver part of the pen with your wet hand, and ‘BZZZZZZZT’ – you complete the circuit and get root electrocution.  It smells rotten, it feels rotten, and you’d have to do it a rotten further 15,000,000 times to kill all the hair on your body.  Binned.

My only man is your average disposable razor blade (especially the ‘new’ and ‘improved’ ones!), and a large bottle of Fruit of the Earth Crystal Clear Aloe Gel.

-x-

It takes me half an hour to shave everything (trying to shave one’s toe-knuckles with severe myopia is a serious challenge), much longer if I’m expecting a trip to the swimming pool or beach.  It sucks, but I don’t mind, because there is not a chance in hell you’d find me letting it grow.  It doesn’t feel natural, ironically, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the media talking.  If a bloke were to walk up to me and tell me that hairy women are his greatest turn on, I’d run away. 

Anthropologically, it doesn’t make sense for women to be hairy.  Sure… didn’t they get to stay in caves and nurture young?  Men of course needed hair to keep the warm and display their virility and that’s lovely… I’m a magnet to a scruffy stubble, as long as it’s only a few days old.  Men needhair, but I don’t really understand how evolution hasn’t phased it out yet for women… Mother Nature must have gotten the hint by now that it’s out-dated and un-wanted?!  In fact, this guy claims women are generally getting hairier, and yes, there is indeed a blog dedicated to the subject out there! Hairy Women Blog.

Is this one of natures oldest jokes?  I sure as hell ain’t laughing.

Bring on the comments

  1. Deborah says:

    So I did think about commenting anonymously, but I figured if you saw a hit from Tullamore and an anonymous comment your MENSA mind would figure it out. But yeah, I’ve had a severe case of conjunctivitis for a week now. I was in denial, thinking I’d scratched the old cornea before finally going to the GP who is about 80 and told me it was the worst and most appalling spisode of pinkeye he’d ever seen. Real good for the ego. As such I had to remove the contacts and wear glasses. I think my glasses prescription goes back to when I was 15. Not good. As such my um, shaving regime, suffered. I finally put some new contacts in today after about 10 days and realised I was out of razor heads. I chose to use himself’s vibrator type… Gilette something or other “it vibrates so we can charge you more” model. It could not handle girl hair. And in the words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that. As a fellow Simeon-girl I am sure you understand. That is all! ;-)

  2. OooooKaaay…..?
    You have an lol cats image waiting for you on my blog.

  3. Baino says:

    Oooo Taboooo! Hahaha . . love it. Very reminiscent, I used a depliatory cream once and found out I was allergic to it and got a nasty little rash for my trouble. My sister has to take a drug that actually increases body hair and has a bad time of it but as I get older, for some reason the hair doesn’t grow the way it did. I don’t even wax my eyebrows any more but I’m with you on the toe knuckles. And in the land of the thongfest, that’s a no-no. Bikini waxes don’t hurt if you get a decent beautician but I’m NEVER going the brasilian, I’ve had enough poking and prodding down there to last a lifetime! Besides, call me old fashioned but I think it’s a bit kinky wanting a woman to look like a 9 year old!

    Can’t go past the old Venus razor . . .I just wish DrummerBoy wouldn’t use it on his face FIRST . . .now that’s role reversal for you!

  4. K8 says:

    Deborah; Thank you so bloody much for continuing the honesty. This was one of those posts where you publish it, set about making a snack and then common blog sense kicks in with a huge ‘D-OH!’ I’m cringeing a little less since your comment, and hearing your blade advice loud and clear.

    Thriftcriminal; Yay! I has zencat skillz :)

    Baino; I wonder could I make the most of the situation and just get a tattoo of a guy with a lawnmower…

  5. I don’t think I’d be all that comfortable with a man who preferred me to be totally Kojak down there. However erroneously I think I’d wonder why.

    Apparantly we have hair there to trap more of our natural odour because they are natural aphrodisiacs. Napoleon used to ask that Josephine not bathe for two weeks before he arrived home from a conquest.

    I do the waxing thing from time to time but it’s hellish sore and expensive so for most of the time it’s just a good old Venus for me. I guess Venus was a hairy chick too.

    I have fair hair so my hairy arms stay unwaxed but I reckon if I had dark hair I might give it a shot. I like to be trim bikini wise but if it didn’t feel so much like I was making some sort of statement I could easily let my armpits grow wild. There’s nothing wrong with making a statement but having the same conversation over and over with people asking me about it would be a drag. I just don’t care that much about discussing underarm hair not to shave it off.

  6. Ben says:

    A ‘hairy’ post with ne’er a mention of HairyFish

    Except to hear from my solicitor. . . .

  7. Foreigner says:

    Since it’s gone to TMI land already I find it necessary to add that it’s all hunky-dory for you lucky bitches who can actually shave! My undergrowth spurts back so fast that in theory I should shave twice a day.

    If I do the skin will eventually start to peel off and if I don’t I achieve the most charming prickly itchy stubble you have ever seen on Antonio Banderas’s face. Nothing speaks “class” as loud as voluptuous past-her-prime female grunting and scratching her lady bits in public.

    Waxing it is for me so.

    I won’t go into scary details about how it all flourishes and sprouts in vigor in between two waxes. Cause you gotta let it grow to wax off…

    Excuse me while I treasure a moment of self hate and disgust.

  8. Nick says:

    I wondered why I had so many page loads today! Great post, and thanks for the link. Infinite excellent wisdom? Ho ho. I sympathise with your deforestation problem. As I say, some men don’t realise how lucky they are. We have to shave our faces? Wow, heavy shit, man. And good thinking to say you’ll go a bit further if himself will go a bit further. Why should women do all the preening and not the blokes?

  9. K8 says:

    Sam, the ‘baldness’ request did worry me a bit too, but I like to breeze past these things, as you do. I definately see your point about unwanted conversation starters, though I do love to see celebrities trying it out. Julia Roberts went way up in my estimation after her fuzzy red carpet expose!

    Ben; This blog rules ok!
    Sorry about that… I was trying to stay away from the whole ‘fishy’ scene.

    Foreigner; Claps for the self hate and disgust, for we’re all disgusting here.
    I do remember a sudden surge of male hormones when I was pregnant (nudge nudge) with Sean! It was totally surreal having a 5 o’clock shadow and massive sideburns. It was even more surreal after I gave birth and it all started coming out in tufts! Ain’t nature wonderful?

    Nick; Hellos! Thanks back at you for the inspiration and excuse to flaunt my strangeness. I only wanted TAT to wax just to make him appreciate how bloody sore it is, because I don’t think he believes me. Mind you he believes me enough not to try it, so it’s all good!
    Cheers for the PPS link :)

  10. Quickroute says:

    Do you remember Nena and her song 99 Red Balloons there was a classic bit in the video when she lifted her armpits to reveal 2 forests growing there. Some thought it was sexy – some not!

  11. Nick says:

    Kate, your remark about blokes going all taboo got me wondering. What things do you think men don’t discuss / don’t discuss enough? I’ll see if I can oblige!

  12. Thank God (& the Goddesses…I can’t exclude them, for that would be sexist and they would surely smite me with glee!) that I’m not the only man with two hairs on me chest! :) Intriguing post, K8.

  13. K8 says:

    Quickroute; Why yes! I remember that now, I guess I was too ickle to notice it much, or was just distracted by the funk..

    Ben; Did you get a free smoking monkey? :)

    Jefferson; Aww! Only 2? I think this is a very strange phenomenon, though TAT does swim faster for being more aqua-dynamic! If there is such a word…

  14. K8 says:

    Nick; My, but I had to think about this quite a bit, but I weeded out the inappropriates, and came up with these:

    1. We know that pee is sterile, and that Uric Acid is one of the main ingredients in psoriasis skin creams… so why is it so bad to pee in the shower?

    2. Why is it so difficult for a girl to find a pipe made for girls?

    3. We know that milk is for baby cows, and that there have been studies in the U.S. which show that excessive consumption of cow products, including milk, are producing un-toward feminising effects on young boys. If human breast-milk was to replace cow’s milk on supermarket shelves, would you drink it? Have you ever tasted breast milk as an adult male?

    I would LOVE to hear your opinions on this stuff :)

  15. Nick says:

    What do you mean, you weeded out the inappropriates? Those are the ones I was waiting for. However:

    1. I’ve no idea. As you say, pee is sterile so I guess the only reason it could be bad to pee in the shower is that it’s considered vulgar. And no, I’ve never peed in the shower – a thoroughly vulgar habit, if you ask me. I’ve never drunk my pee either, unlike Sarah Miles. In my bedsit days I often peed in the sink in my room though.

    2. No idea again. Having never smoked, or smoked a pipe, I’m not sure what the different gender needs would be!

    3. That’s an interesting one. No I’ve never tasted breast milk, partly because we’ve never had kids. I certainly wouldn’t have any objection, in fact I’d like to try the taste. Excuse me while I nip out and accost an unsuspecting young mum….

  16. Medbh says:

    I am also hirsute. I think mine was exacerbated by anorexia in my teens.
    Truthfully, my eyebrow wax hurts more than the bikini wax.

  17. K8 says:

    Nick; Go on ya good thing! That’s the spirit.

    Medbh; What a lucky wan you are! I’d have to be severely inebriated before trying a bikini wax again.

  18. English Mum says:

    Right, seeing as we’re all pretending we’re having a night in with the girls and we’re well into the second bottle: I’m with Foreigner I’m afraid…I can shave and have stubble again before I’ve stepped out of the shower. My current intrument of torture is an epilator:

    http://englishmum.com/2007/07/27/ow-that-feelsquite-nice/

    Which is ok once you get used to it and it lasts quite a long time. Funnily enough I obviously had the same evil waxing bitch that you did and ended up with a really nasty ‘love bite’ looking bruise on my inner thigh.

    Oh, and I also have a hair that grows out of my chin, which is a new, and distinctly worrying, discovery. To sum up, then, I’m a shave the legs, epilate the pits and bikini line and pluck eyebrows and..er..chin..girl. There, that’s totally ruined my sex appeal forever then.

  19. K8 says:

    I have the chin hair too!!! I almost passed out when I found this 3 inch long monstrosity had moved in. I have another one now, we must get a new one for every birthday!

    Gives me something to braid whilst watching Boston Legal though.

    Must have a gander at the epilator idea… sure it can’t get any worse.

  20. warrior says:

    All women from the Magreb, shave everywhere except their head. Living in the heat in North Africa apparently body hair smells a bit……..
    Waxing works best about 12-24 hours after a shave and the more you get waxed the less it hurts.
    Sac shaving? Your man should try it, apparently it’s very hot looking for the ladies..
    Lastly, why not challenge each other, I will shave yours if you shave mine. It’s apparently fantastic for oral sex if you are into that sort of thing.
    Okay now I am highly mortified, and scarlet, I shall toddle back off to the land of lurk.

  21. K8 says:

    Warrior; But the beard rash! The beard rash would be a killer! Itchy-itchy scratchy-scratch. No need for mortification- this blog is built on shame and too-much information ;)

  22. warrior says:

    ERm okay for more mortification , why would you have beard rash? He must not be doing it the right way, I meant him to use his tounge not his whole head…………………hmmm anyway blushing again byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  23. K8 says:

    ROTFL!!!!!

    You’re gas!

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