Feb 27th, 2008
My stab at politics
I don’t understand politics, mainly because I’ve never tried to. It’s not something that upsets me much, at least it didn’t until I started reading blogs and found I had to skip over the political ones - my brain just can’t process the sattire or the original point. No offence to political sattirists, it’s just the way I am.
I do, however, understand children very well, and it wasn’t until this morning when little Sally next door came in to play with Puppychild that the truth suddenly hit me. The parallells between the infant world and the political world were right in front of me all the time!
To demonstrate this theory, for this next part I will assume the position of both a child between the ages of two and five, and a political bigwig.
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- If you are doing something interesting, I will butt in and do it with you until I am better at it than you are, unless you get bored with it and go on to do something else. At this point I will change too and continue proving I am better than you are, until such a time that I fall asleep or a body of greater power comes along and stops me.
- Hello, I see you’re new to this neighbourhood! See this kid/country here? This is my friend. You can’t play with us until you provide evidence that you have a stash of Smarties/Weapons of Mass Destruction. That’s just how it works. Ok?
- If you push me, I will not ask you why you pushed me, I will just go ahead and push you back. I will continue fighting with you for no underlying reason until such a point where a body of greater power intervenes or one of us starts crying. If there is no body of greater power around, then I guess we are both fucked.
- Hey! Where did you get that ball/space exploration equipment? That is MINE. Not going to give it up? Fine, I’ll just ask my mum to go and buy me one, and if that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll just draw a picture of it and put it against my bedroom window so you’ll think I have one, then you won’t want yours any more! HA! No wait… easier yet… I’ll get the other kid down the road to steal it for me. Yeah.
- Where did you get that money? What?! You found it on the ground? Well, then it’s my money, because I dropped it yesterday, and no, I won’t tell you where because I don’t have to prove myself to you. Not going to give it up? FINE! I’ll tell my mom/the media!
- So you want to play our game? I don’t know whether or not you’re allowed - you’ll have to ask the leader. What do you mean he already told you to ask me? I’m not the leader so it’s not my problem… go ask… somebody else, OK? ‘Bye!!!
- If you see a tree full of apples and think it’s pretty, you’re wierd/left wing. Me? I see a tree full of apples, I get my dad to chop it down and bring it home. I’ll then pick all the apples, shout; ‘I’m going to turn you into poo!’ and eat every last one without sharing with you, just because I can. And you know what else? If I feel sick afterwards I will come and throw up all over you because it’s your fault for not stopping me. So there.
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There you have it. My stab at politics. I know now, that when I read a headline in the papers like:
I’ll know to translate it roughly as…
“Bertie needs a nap.”
Beat that, Marx-y baby! I finally understand…