Nov 13th, 2007
Presents of mind
Deck the turkey’s balls with holly! I can’t wait for Christmas, my childish enthusiasm has been re-awakened by my 3 year old who asks me every day when the big C will arrive. In the spirit of giving, I dedicate this post to Jennifer (Nelly) O’Shea, an old school buddy of mine with a twisted sense of humour.
One day, on the last day of school term before we broke for Christmas holidays, Nelly gave me a beautifully wrapped gift. It was small and rectangular, with no rattle or distinguishing clues as to what it could be.
“Get it home as soon as you can and put it in your fridge or it’ll go off.” she said.
“Jesus! Is it a bomb?!?” I exclaimed, knowing well that Nelly isn’t the chocolate-giving kind.
“I’m not telling you… just keep it cold until Christmas morning, and open it as soon as you take it out of the fridge. It’s very important that you keep it cold.”
“Is it roadkill? I told you my mum doesn’t like me keeping stuff like that.” I said, brimming with curiosity.
She winked, and walked away.
I went home, re-arranged the anonymous tin-foil wrappings in the fridge, and stashed the gift. It teased me cruelly every day… it consumed me. Then, finally when Christmas morning arrived, I ran downstairs, opened the fridge and ripped the paper wrapping away.
It was a book.
‘Complete Uses of a Dead Cat’ by Simon Bond.
Here are a few excerpts from this amazing insightful piece of literary genius…
