RSS Feed
Oct 28

Spectacularily Pretentious

Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 in On the box, Rantings

While still giving Baino’s meme serious consideration (I can’t wait to pass this doozy on, you’ll curse me from a height, you lucky unsuspecting few…) I thought I’d just go off on a bit of a rant.  Don’t mind me.

I adore watching films.  It’s one of my favourite past-times, and I’d consider myself having a pretty open mind.  The carpet at the shelves of my local video-store is threadbare from me pacing up and down.  There is however, one genre which I hate with a passion, and that is experimentative film.  Basically, if you’re looking at the dust cover and you see ‘WINNER – Cannes film festival’ or ‘NOMINATED – Sun-dance film festival’ emblazoned at the top, you’re guaranteed it’ll be a great waste of your hard-earned bucks.

Take Gus Van Sant’s ‘Elephant’, a film about the Columbine high-school shootings, or ‘Last days’, about the legend that was Kurt Kobain.  Both have the potential to be enthralling films, but they really aren’t.  Mostly you’re watching some half-assed acting (heavily abusing the ‘smell the fart’ technique) and very long and boring shots of people not doing anything at all really.  It makes me want to pull my eyeballs out with a rusty six-inch nail.  There are people out there who love this tripe, and I just don’t get it.  They use words like ‘Directorial Triumph’ and ‘Infuriating Impenatribility’, when ‘Pure Shite’ would clearly suffice.

I brought back a film yesterday named ‘Inland Empire’, directed by David Lynch of ‘Mullholland Drive’ fame, though I didn’t notice that when I rented it.

inland-empire.jpg

Me: “Can I have my money back?  I couldn’t watch this.”

Video rental man: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  It must be scratched.”

Me: “No no, it’s fine.  I just couldn’t bear wasting any more than fifteen minutes of my life watching it.  It’s crap.  It made me want to kill myself.”

Video rental man: “Ummm, really can’t help you there I’m afraid.”

You see films like ‘Sin City’ are surrealist in my view, but a fifteen minute long black and white shoot of a girl with a mascara streaked face staring at a dead TV screen and imagining people with rabbit heads on a stage doing nothing but spouting irrelevant statements is just a gratuitous glimpse into some oddball’s crazy mind.  Films like these should be restricted in availability only to those who use words like ‘Soupçon’ on a daily basis.

I watched those first few minutes of the film anxiously reassuring TAT that the madness would stop shortly and an interesting plot would ensue.  Less like watching a car-crash, more like watching maggots on a dead rat.  We felt a horrified boredom, an awareness that we had been duped, and above all, fury that such crud finds it’s way to the shelves of XtraVision. 

Yes, I’m shackled with the need to be entertained.  I want blood, explosions, unrequited love, conspiracy theories, back-stabbing, a twisted plot and mind-blowing music.  It’s not my fault I’m spoiled that way. 

Atmospheric genius? Avant-garde? An exercise in voyeurism?

beatnik.jpg

Spare me.

Oct 26

Dichotomy

Posted on Friday, October 26, 2007 in Awards!, Family, Jobs, Rantings

‘Scuse my lack of postage of posts again.  What with being a mother and a nurse and a taxi driver and a chef and a window cleaner and an occupational therapist and an advisor and a treasurer and a house cleaner and a wiper of little bottoms, it’s been tough edging the old blogging in.

So TAT doesn’t want a Playstation 3 anymore.  Great!!!  No, now he wants an Xbox 360 because his mate just got one. 

“I found a spare €370 lying around in me bank account, so can I get one?”

It’s amazing how grown men can be so similar to eleven year old boys sometimes.

The thing is, I’m not a complete bitch.  I’m not just keeping him under the thumb or around my little finger or whatever you want to call it.  I wouldn’t mind an Xbox either, but the thing is we’re supposed to be moving house soon and I’m trying hard to get TAT saving money, because if he thinks I’m forking out from my SSIA, he can fork right off.  Besides, I feel like a complete hypocrite buying the newest latest diamond-encrusted versions of things… I keep thinking of the homeless and the starving and the mistreated people out there.  Somehow the balance seems unstable, what with money being so relative an’ all.

That was my closing argument right there.  We can’t afford it yet.  But we will, soon.  End of a bloody long conversation.

That was then.  Now however, a certain somebody seems quite close to winning an award, and invited me to the doo.  Another excellent excuse to break out the Jenny Vanders dress?  A night in high society?  A chance to see that certain somebody break out into a drunken ‘Streets of London’ singsong with a guitar that has mysteriously conveniently materialised in the wee small hours? Yes please.

Except that when I excitedly told TAT about this upcoming event, he asked how much the tickets are, and I told him the truth.

“We can’t afford it.” 

He has me over a barrel.  Not a barrel of monkeys either.  A barrel of dirty sticky ‘see how it works both ways?’  I didn’t even try to argue.

See how being virtuous sucks?  See how it hurts to be sensible?  What is that all about?

Oct 16

Thought for the day

Posted on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 in Humourarse, Quickie

 

 Being a window cleaner in Ireland is like being a heat-lamp salesman in Mexico. 

* * *

Raging Bull

Oct 15

Enviro-hero

Posted on Monday, October 15, 2007 in Uncategorized

Blog action day… I’m all for it, and I hope it’s effects are felt.

I’m a bit squished for time today, however, and though I’d love to go into my thoughts on environmental issues, instead I thought I’d dedicate this post to a wonderful woman that I met at a ‘Clean Coast’ seminar recently.

Corey Bateman is both litter and traffic warden in Arklow, Co. Wicklow.  She is one of the most overworked and underpaid people I know, but this doesn’t seem to bother her.  Her enthusiasm for local issues, especially pertaining to the environmental stuff is truly inspirational.  In the brief time I got to speak to her, I learned of the following projects undertaken by her for the benefit of her home town:

- She organised a clean-up lately and invited the residents of Sunbeam house (a local respite center for people with learning disabilities) who were, by all accounts, a forgotten group in the community.  She gave them a chance to hang out together and have a laugh while contributing to the community in a very admirable way.  The photographs of this litter collection effort are wonderful, a great day was had by everyone involved.

- She found that there were certain ‘run-down’ areas in Arklow which needed cheering up.  She initiated an effort to have beautiful and elaborate wall-murals painted which depict various scenes from history, thus creating a pride in the community and a wonderful tourist attraction.  She also got her hands on a beat-up rotting boat, painted it, and erected it as a monument.  She approached the local prison and asked them for any spare flowers or plants they may have from their garden nurseries.  They supplied so many plants, that she and her volunteer collegues had to work late into the night so that by morning, the grounds were awash with colour and beauty, completely transforming this previously depressing empty patch of land.

- She tackles dumping issues… she showed me before and after photographs of a small green in the centre of a housing estate.  With very little funding, she managed to have the green cleared, then mangaged to (bravely!) travel from house to house and rally enthusiasm for a clean living area.  Very dishearteningly, when the area was cleaned, more junk arrived pretty much immediately.  This didn’t deter Corey, she asked the local residents for their help, and community awareness flourished. 

-She organises treasure hunts for children, with no personal motivation other than the fact that she feels that kids need to feel more of a connection with their natural environment.  Her last effort drew more than 200 people, and the day became an enormous success.  It’s a wonderful thing to have a child tell you in excited tones that he can show you a squirrel’s house in a tree, or to have him show off his knowledge of tree names and duck species!

- Corey is a lady who loves to spread enthusiasm.  She gave me amazing ideas for fundraising, and explained that a person’s living area can be dolled up with very little funding needed.  She told me how to approach garden centres and local community figures to ask for freebies, and to feel no shame in doing so.  She told me that an effort only seems complicated because community spirits are low.  Once their enthusiasm is burning, there are no ends to what can be achieved.  She can be regularily heard on the local radio station doing just this… advertising local efforts and instilling a pride in the community.

- She regularly visits schools and involves them in various environmental issues, cleverly knowing that educating the children of this world is the best way to nurture an environmentally cleaner future.

Kudos to you, Corey, and to the volunteers and Council members who work with you to make your town a better and prouder place to live in.  The world needs more people like you, and I hope your enthusiasm infects all who cross your path. 

Oct 13

The Insect Queen (Part 2)

Posted on Saturday, October 13, 2007 in Poems and things

The woman haunted the forest daily, walking off her worries for her missing child, for to stay at home was far too difficult.  She grew apart from her husband, who had become annoyed with her ravings and her distance.  Each day she spent longer and longer in the woods searching for clues, searching for the magpie that had visited her on the evening of the wasp’s revenge.  Finally the day arrived that would have marked the entrance of her child into the world and she wept.  The entire day found the woman, who had now grown thin and haggard, curled beneath a hawthorn tree lamenting her loss, until the sun began to set.

As the moon started it’s ascent, a soft voice entered the woman’s consciousness.  She lifted her head and found a small creature standing before her.  It was an ugly and wrinkled little thing with tufts of hair poking randomly from underneath it’s tattered clothing.  She caught a scent of rotting earth mixed with sweet warm honey smells of gorse, and knew she was encountering something very strange indeed.  She sat up and concentrated on the creature, allowing it’s voice to become clear in her head.

It told her, despite her disbelief, that it was a faery who had been watching her for many weeks, that knew of both her and her child.  It explained that her child had been chosen by the insect folk to be their queen, that the fate of the child had been marked for many moons, and that these folk were not to be underestimated.  It told her that her sorrow had softened the hearts of many of the faeryfolk who lived in this particular Hawthorn Tree that the woman had chosen as a mourning post, and that they wished to help her.

The woman began to weep again as the information sank in.  She wept both because it all sounded so ridiculously strange, and because the solution seemed so complicated, but the faery slapped her and told her in very stern tones to listen properly and to mute her emotion until the solution was explained, for it would only be explained once, as faeries are very impatient folk.

On hearing the answer to her sorry situation, she went home and began to follow through with her instructions.

She sat cross-legged in her garden for ten full days and ten full nights and became very still.  So still, in fact, that the animals and birds which frequented this spot soon forgot she was there.  Foxes nibbled at her bare thin toes, and robins pecked at her ears.  She ignored them all until finally it arrived, the creature she wanted so dearly.  The magpie came to rest on her knee and cocked it’s head, listening for messages in the earth.  Quick as lightening, the woman grabbed the bird tightly by the neck and shook it, for this was the creature which had stolen her child.  It was in fact, not a magpie at all, but a faery in disguise who had been sent to deliver the unborn child to the forest.  The woman felt the bird’s neck snap, and it fell limp.  She watched in satisfaction as the cruel glint ebbed away from it’s eyes.  She then began to slowly pluck the black and white plumes from it’s body until it’s chest was bared.  Then, as instructed, she tore the magpie’s heart from it’s breast and placed it carefully in a jar in her pocket.

She served the remains of the magpie that night to her husband disguised in a stew, and went to bed, to sleep like she hadn’t slept in months.

Her husband rose from his bed that night and wandered.  His eyes grew steely and black and led him with an un-named conviction back to the forest.  He had no awareness as he stepped throught the undergrowth with his shovel in hand, his mind was not present as he began to dig through the undergrowth.  A tiny body slowly appeared as he dug, and when he saw that it was a baby, small and limp and dead, he was not shocked.  He removed his coat and wrapped the infant tightly, then brought it home to place it beside his wife on the bed.  He then lay down and resumed his slumber.

The woman woke soon after, found the cold bundle beside her, and shrieked with joy.  She opened the small jar containing the magpie’s heart and poked the tiny organ between the cool white gums of the infant.  Then she slept, cocooning the baby’s body against her breast until morning.

When she woke, the room was filled with morning light.  She sat up instantly to find a small pink baby gazing into her eyes and gurgling with affection.  She screamed with delight to her husband’s alarm, and despite the amazing story she unfolded for the benefit of his ears, she found that the forgetfulness spell had lifted, and heard how the last few months had passed for her husband as those of any other expectant family would.

The incident was soon forgotten as the baby grew, the darkness of the sinister tale was swallowed by the love felt for the tiny child.  And, as time passed, they even grew accustomed to the ominous buzzing sound that eminated from the child’s crib each night as it slept.

Oct 13

The Insect Queen (Part 1)

Posted on Saturday, October 13, 2007 in Poems and things

Once upon a time (but more recently than you’d think), a woman lived happily with her husband and her dog.  She was so happy, in fact, that she soon found that their abundant love had created a child which grew within her.  The couple spent many hours speaking of their child and of its potential, of how lucky they were that such a wonderful thing was happening.

One day, the couple went for a walk with their dog in the woods near their house.  It was a beautiful summer day filled with wonderful smells and birdsong floating around them in a balmy zephyr.  The woman laughed with her husband while absently picking up sticks to throw for the dog which happily pounced about their feet in expectant hope.  Each time she bent down to reach for a new stick, she kept a watchful eye on her dog, for it was commonplace for such an excitable animal to knock people over with his weight and lollopy paws.  It would, after all, do her no good in her condition to find herself sprawled on the forest floor at the mercy of such an enthusiastic beast.  Her concentration was so intense, however, that she accidentally picked up something that turned out to be very untoward indeed.

In almost the same moment that she threw this piece of soggy rotten tree bark, she heard the sound.  It was an unmistakable sound that sends shivers down the spines of most ordinary folk, all sharing the same atavistic fear.  It was not benign or distant, it was an angry buzz and it was right beside her.  It was the sound of an insect intent on revenge, and there is no other insect that is better at exacting revenge than the wasp.

The very second she heard it, instead of stopping to look for its source, she ran.  She ran hard and fast, and only stopped when her breath got left behind. Given the distance she’d fled, she found it quite a shock as she bent over in recovery from her exertion to find that the angry buzz had followed her, and seemed to have doubled in volume.  She felt the stings painfully and in great detail.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  As she tried to gather enough energy to escape, she found that not only had a wasp become entangled in her hair, but that another had satisfied its blood-lust by trapping itself in her clothing, and was laying sting after sting in her flesh, each tiny injection being intensely more painful than the last.  The wonderful blessing that is adrenaline gave her the final push to outrun these wicked insects.

As she nursed her stings a short while later while she bathed, she worried for her child, as every mother does, and prayed that her shock would escape the growing infant.  As she prayed, a magpie rested on her windowsill and watched her intently with its dark beady eyes.  Woman and bird locked gazes, and suddenly a dreadful feeling spread through her like a dark cloud covering the sun.  She knew that something had floated far from her reach which seemed to taunt her in ways she couldn’t quite understand.

That night, her dreams were filled with fearful images of magpies which seemed to be stealing her away part by part despite her pleading and terrified screams, and when she woke with a start in the depths of the night, she found that her growing bump had disappeared.

She pleaded with her husband to hear her story, she beseeched him to try to remember her pregnancy and the incident that had only occurred the day before, but to no avail.  He had forgotten, as though a spell had been cast on her house so that all of those wonderful memories and conversations had been swallowed up in a frustrating pool of nothingness.  She began to wonder if indeed she had imagined her pregnancy, and would have given in to this apparent reality if it weren’t for the steadfast connection she still felt with her infant.  She knew it was still alive, but had no idea as to how to find it.  Her belly felt empty and her mind felt full.

Oct 11

Fast and Loose

Posted on Thursday, October 11, 2007 in Awards!, memememememe

Me daddy – God bless ‘im - threw an award my way recently… this one is the ‘Break Out Blogger’ award:

“This award casts a spotlight on bloggers who are just beginning to draw lotsa attention — the equivalent of a song with a bullet on Billboard’s Top 100 chart. Lotsa good posts. Lotsa good buzz. These bloggers are going places in a hurry.â€?

What a nice feeling.  These awards always seem to arrive with perfect timing!  Lately there’s been a tiny rite-of-passage going on with my blog.  The honeymoon phase is wearing off as my stats get lower and my Google rating still remains a big duck egg, and this used to concern me. I used to get a bang from seeing my Technorati rating go up a notch, but it seems to be asleep lately, and I find myself not really caring so much anymore.  This proves that I’m in it as a hobby, as opposed to worrying about the popularity race.  I don’t really see my blog going anywhere in a huge hurry… but it’s still all good.

There are people who are naturally good at pretty much everything, an all-rounder sort of person.  Then there are people who float just under the surface undetected, like me.  It’s a nice place to be… you can bob up and down without the stress of having to keep afloat.  I found this especially true in school, and was musing through an old school yearbook recently, having a laugh at the awards I never won back then.

You had the Merit Award, the Studies Award, the Academic Achievement Award, the Subject Award, the Senior and Junior Linguist, the Student of the Year, the Dillon Cup, the Talented Teens Award, the Public Speaking award, the Punctuality Award, the Highest Achiever Award, the Sports Awards, the Young Entrepreneurs Award… it goes on and on.  The gas thing about these awards is, even though they apparently give everyone a chance to win something, the same kids got all the awards.  One chick walked away with 11 awards in the bag one year, thus ironically making her the most unpopular child ever.  Jealousy is a bitch.  In all my years at school, I won just one award… a subject award in music, for my fiddling endeavours.  I’d won a cup before I started school at the age of 6 for my piano-ing endeavours, so they went well together.  Along with my blogging awards, it’s appearing to me that I’m a bit of a creative cow.  It’s just hard to get used to!  Sometimes it feels like people are just taking the piss, or carrying through in a tag-like fashion. 

I don’t care.  For all the people that bitch about awards being fast and loose, I think the point is being lost.  It’s a wonderful thing to encourage someone’s efforts even if they aren’t in first place.  I think a lot of kids in my old school would’ve loved this sort of boost, instead of being left to feel a bit of a nobody in the end.

So, in this spirit, I’m going to pass the award on to the following bloggers.  Not because it’s a taggy type thing, but because they deserve them.  They are the blogs I go to whenever I need a dose of amusement and weirdness:

Grannymar, you’re brilliant because you have a huge range of soulful subject matter, with a few excellent jokes thrown in.  You’re also an extremely faithful commenter, so this is my way of thanking you for finding the time somehow to leave messages on our blogs and give us all a lift.

Coffee Helps!  Hails, I love reading your posts because you never really know what’s coming next, and at times it feels like I’ve known you for years.  AND I like the way you throw up pictures of pretty men because there’s always a need for pretty men.

Gimme over at Stranded on Gaia, you spew your feelings with such style, it’s an inspiration.  It’s like reading the blog of Withnail.

I’ve only recently discovered Foreigner by Default, but it’s one of the blogs I read most frequently.  You definately know how to entertain!

May you all bob frequently, and with style.

Oct 9

Hero or Zero?

Posted on Tuesday, October 9, 2007 in On the box, Something to think about

Had another heated debate with TAT last night while watching Boston Legal (Why did Uhura cry?  Because William Shatner!) over the efforts of the main character to win over both his girlfriend and his manhood.  We had to agree to disagree in the end, but I’d love to hear your opinions on this…

-o-

Alan Shore, a high rolling solicitor is in a bar with his rather fetching girlfriend.  They agree to dabble in a little roleplay.  She decides to go and sit by the bar, requesting that Alan should approach her as a perfect stranger and chat her up.

So, off she toddles and parks herself on an empty stool only to be noticed straight away by a random baldy ‘built-like-a-brick-shithouse’ bloke who immediately approaches her with an increadibly cheesy line.  Alan Shore then comes over and announces himself as the competition.  The two men begin to snarl at each other (Alan using his usual smarm and quick wit) leading to the large bloke smacking Alan in the jaw.

Alan backs off and quickly manages to solicit a bunch of large men to help him out.

“I’ll give you 200 dollars to hit that man over there, and another 100 if you manage to floor him.” says he.

Large man approaches big bald man and hits him, instantly flooring him.  Bald man’s friend then hits solicited man.  A bar brawl ensues with Alan Shore randomly handing out 100 dollar notes to anyone who wishes to join in on his behalf.  Which they do.

-o-

As he watches this, TAT is roaring with laughter and yells- ‘HA!  Fair play to ‘im!!!  Wouldn’t you love to be able t’do that?!?’

I was visibly shocked.  I told TAT that if he ever did that, I’d drop him like a hot snot, that only a wanker with too much money would do that, which is, let’s face it, exactly what this character Alan Shore is.  I told him that women wanted to see their men defend themselves proudly, to go down fighting… not to wuss out and pay someone else to do the dirty work.  TAT in return is equally shocked. 

“But sure if he’s able to pay someone else to fight, then he can walk away unharmed and everyone’s happy!”

I retorted that most women were more turned on by balls than money, that if a man should engage in a fist fight in order to win a girl, he wouldn’t have to make much more of an effort to get into her knickers afterwards.  I then pointed out the scowl on the actress’ face and smugly said – “SEE?!”

“You’re not listening.  You don’t understand.”  he said.

I flipped him the birdie which is a good indication that the conversation is over.  The weird thing is that I know TAT would never pull this sort of stint and loves a good excuse for a brawl, so I’m pretty confused right here…

So my question to you men is… if you were minted and contesting for a beautiful woman, would you do the same thing, or fight man to man?

And to you women… which is a bigger turn on, man with money, or man with a full set of hairy cojones?

Oct 8

The biggest question of all

Posted on Monday, October 8, 2007 in Philosophy, Rantings, Something to think about

World Peace.  Conjures up images of Miss America speeches and 6 year olds blowing out birthday cake candles, doesn’t it?  The most important and relevant question of our day, our century, even our millenium has become the cheesiest.

Baino wrote a lament on the atrocities carrying on in the world in September, and I told her I’d get back to her, that I was inspired to think long and hard about it. 

Here’s a snippet from her post:

There must be something positive we can do. Amongst us are eloquent writers, political commentators, military men and women, angry youngsters with the energy to follow through. We have a collaboration of talent, youth, experience and realism so why can’t we collaborate and form a useful, noisy and productive united front…
…The conundrum is where to start. There are a zillion organisations, charities, good causes . . . what we need is one . . .

And her most poignant statement;

I just don’t know where to start . . .It makes me weep. DrummerBoy may have it right . . humans are a virus dedicated to over consumption, slowly killing the planet, not with carbon but by sheer weight of numbers, cruelty to each other and will be the shortest living organism in evolutionary history – it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy of destruction and decimation thanks to the obscene consumerism and materialism of western culture. He’s even reviewing whether he would like to have children and he’s only 20 years old!

We are all painfully aware of the dire situation the world is in, yet we all suffer from the same disease, that of hopelessness.  To make a dent in this situation would take a lifetime of dedication to the cause.  We should just accept that this is the way things have always been and always will be, right?  I mean, even Geldof had a stab at it with his ‘Make Poverty History’ campaign.  I wore that white plasticky bracelet for a solid year, and signed the online petitions with enthusiasm, but I feel that even Geldof’s efforts have been swallowed by the apathy of the rest of the world.  His campaign dissapeared from the public eye, along with all the others.  Sheer inevitability.

Then something hit me.

Maybe we’re all looking too hard to find the answer, when the question itself is far more important.  That is, maybe the answer is the question.

How many perfectly eloquent people out there have thought long and hard about the state of the world, yet have given up?  Everyone!  We all have our own crap to deal with.  We don’t have time to heal the world.

Right now, the questions being asked are like raindrops on a windowpane.  Every now and then a small rivulet will form and a stream of voices will join and be heard, only to flow right to the bottom and dissapear.  What is needed is a resounding roar.  The sort of roar that a waterfall makes… millions of voices all asking the same questions, all the time.

Drown the apathy!

Maybe a campaign would do the trick, I don’t know.  We all worry about where our charity coins are really going, we’re aware of cloak and dagger funding, of big brown envelopes, so it’s up to us to be cynical and choosy about who we give our money to.  ‘Scuse my French, but what a crying fucking shame this is.

I would so dearly love to target the huge multinational corporations somehow, to destroy those who swallow local resources and steal the rug from under our brothers and sisters worldwide for their own financial gain.  But of course, that would be terrorism.  We all know that you can’t fight fire with fire.  Maybe all it would take to do this peacefully is a large effort on a tiny scale. 

For example, let’s stop bringing our ankle biters to McDonalds for their birthdays.  Let’s avail of local markets and give the penny margins to farmers instead of Tesco’s.  Let’s forgo our birthday or Christmas presents and ask for a donkey to be given to a family in a third world country instead.  Let’s stop buying Valentine’s Day/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day cards and make them ourselves.  Buy Fair Trade products, and remember that the extra expense is most likely putting bread on the tables of the right people.  If something annoys you or brings a forlorn tear to your eye, don’t just lament it, write a letter.  Call your local polititian and bug the hell out of them for a change.   Let’s start with bugging them to stop charities from being taxed for starters, the obviously moronic stuff.

I dearly hope that all of those people out there who don’t care, will be jump-started into contributing to this massive clean up.  Of course we can make a difference, and we don’t have to turn our lives upside down doing it. 

We just have to keep asking the questions.

Oct 7

Billy no-mates

Posted on Sunday, October 7, 2007 in Uncategorized

What to do at a party when you’re on your own and you don’t know any other sinner in the place.

(Image robbed from Clone Industries)

Not saying that you yourself are a billy-no-mates type of person, but you most likely will find yourself in this situation at some time or other, if you already haven’t. 

I was invited to an engagement party (no, apparently it’s not just an American thing…) by a bloke I know who’s son was the condemned.  I went last night, alone as a result of my poor babysitter-finding skills.  The whole extended family was there, and seeing as it was a local gig, you’d think odds were I’d see at least one other person I’d know, but not in this case.

I went straight to the bar, as you do.  Pint in hand, I went through my options.

1.  Find the one person I do know and stick to him like a fly on poo.

2.  Stand very very still and admire the ceiling until someone comes over and asks me who the hell I am.

3.  Stand by the door and pretend I’m waiting staff.

4.  Sit outside in the smoking area where all the cool people are.

5.  Stand by the bar and occasionally wave at wall paintings in the hope that people will think I’m popular but too cool to actually talk to anyone.

6.  Ply alcohol into myself to ward off the self-consciousness.  (Not an option seeing as I had to drive home, sadly.)

7.  Search for an empty chair and ask it’s nearby occupants if it’s ok to sit with them.

I tried option one, but sadly this man was the most sought-after person there, being the Godfather.  Option 4 tided me over until I realised that out of maybe 80 people, only 5 of them were smokers, two of them were BMW driving golfer types, the remaining three were hardened grannies who were looking for medals for all the hardships they’d suffered.

Options 2 and 3 were unsuccessful as I’d decided to wear high heels and stood at over 6 foot tall in a crowd of exceptionally short people.   There’s only so much ‘Ma, who’s she?’ you can overhear without getting overheated paranoia syndrome.

Option 7 was my last resort, and very limited.  I scanned the crowd for some younger heads, to find that the only youthful table was occupied by tangoed fake blondes with serious overhang issues who’s conversation (I had to evesdrop a little of course..) was limited to knock-off handbags and boring Ibiza anecdotes.  In the end, I targeted a big momma with a load of children hovering around her like midges.  She had a free chair opposite, so I went for it.  I chose my approach carefully, and decided that honesty was the best policy- ‘Hi, I’m a saddo who doesn’t know anyone here… can I sit with you?’ worked a charm.  She even offered me a highly coveted plate of sandwiches and made small talk until I managed a sneaky escape.

The moral of the story perhaps, is that you have to be born with the ability to attract people with your mysterious aloofness.  The far easier approach is honesty, which happily (depending on how pathetic your story is) is great for breaking the ice.